


You Were (Not) the Monster

by DisappointingGay



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Blood you fuckers, M/M, Non-Graphic Self Harm, con got bit by a vampire drug dealer, gored vampire shit, it's really fluffy/sappy in some parts, its not a whole family thing, they cuddle, vampire shit, vampire!AU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-12
Updated: 2018-01-18
Packaged: 2019-02-01 03:49:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 28,362
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12696720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DisappointingGay/pseuds/DisappointingGay
Summary: Connor is a vampire. Let's figure this the fuck out.





	1. (Not) a murderer

"S-so, are you gonna, like, kill me or whatever?" Connor was a bit surprised by the bluntness of his statement, albeit it had a stutter. He figured that by now, it was part of this kid's normal speech.

He snorted. "No, Hansen. I'm not gonna kill you. Not on purpose at least. I'm just gonna feed off you a little. There's like, a 3% chance of you dying." Evan huffed and picked at his cast. "W-well, t-that, that's good-"

"Unless you want me to, Hansen. In which case, ya know," he approached Evan from behind, and spoke into the junction between his neck and shoulder, "I'm sure we could work something out." Evan shivered a bit, before shaking his head that no, he did not, in fact, want to die (at least not like this, by being eaten alive by one of his classmates. It sounded fairly painful, and his body would probably be found all mangled and messed up, which would be very traumatic for his mom, and he wouldn't want to put her through all that just because he was feeling suici-)

"Hmm. Shame, but I'm not a murderer. So, just a little then-" He nuzzled into the crook of his neck, and Evan had just felt Connor open his mouth when he began to stutter. "W-W-Wai-wai-wait, C-Con-nor. U-um, c-can we l-l-like t-talk about I-I-it first?"

With an eye roll, Connor pulled back. His... fangs were glinting in the sunlight, Evan made a point not to look at them "What is there to talk about, Hansen? I bite you, we all have some healthy fun, then we never talk about this again. Capiche?" He went in to bite again, when Evan stuttered out again. "N-n-no, I mean, l-like, I-is it gonna h-hurt? A-am I gonna be like y-you? S-should I-I go to the h-h-hospital?" Connor sighed in annoyance, and sat with a huff on one of the benches. His tone became slightly... comforting? Almost?

"It will... hurt, a bit, in the beginning, that'll mostly be the fangs and the venom entering your bloodstream. It won't feel good, but it won't be agony, and it won't last too long. Count to 15, it should be gone by then." Connor huffed, and ran a hand through his hair. "After that, it'll feel kinda, I dunno, fuzzy and warm? Like, it'll feel good, I guess. You'll be kinda loopy for a while, but whether that's the venom leaving your system or blood loss is anyone's guess. Take it easy till you feel better, I guess? Or don't, I don't really care." He rolled his eyes and sat back. Evan, in contrast, was hunched over, nervously sweating. 

"I-I-I, um, oh, oh dear. V-Venom?" He nervously scratched his neck, before chuckling awkwardly. 

"Yes, venom. You won't die, you won't turn or anything. It'll just make it a bit more enjoyable for you, numb the pain, release some of them happy-time chemicals in your head. You'll be fine, Hansen. Chill the fuck out, man."

Evan nodded, looking off blankly into the distance. "I-I, um. O-o-okay." Deep breath. "Okay, C-Connor. Y-you can do it, n-n-now." He stood up, and patted for Evan to sit on the bench. "S-so, g-go ahead."

Connor nodded once, then leaned in. He went to bite his, but- "Hansen."

Evan was scrunched up together, his face was wrinkled and his hands were nervously fidgeting. "Y-y-yeah?" He cautiously opened one eye, and was met with Connor looking at him, thoroughly unimpressed. 

"You're way too fucking tense for me to do this. Calm. The fuck. Down. Okay?" His words were menacing, although the tone was lacking much bite. "Really, I swear on whatever fucked-up semblance of a life I have remaining that I won't hurt you. Okay?"

Evan nodded his head in agreement. "Y-Yeah, I know, a-and I t-trust you, a-and all, b-but this is the first time I've done something like this? A-and I-I j-just, y-you know," Connor sighed. 

"Look, man, If you're really scared, or whatever, we don't have to- I don't have to do anything. I won't, like, kill you in retaliation, or something." Evan frantically shook his head. 

"N-no, I'm fine, you can go now. I'll relax." He muttered something else, but it was so jumbled that even Connor's enhanced hearing couldn't pick it up. 

"Okay. I'm gonna do it now, okay? Try to relax, it will only hurt more if you fight me." Evan nodded, and bent his neck to expose more of it to Connor. "Nice." Connor traced up and down his jugular with the tip of his index finger, which made Evan shiver. With a smirk, Connor quickly bit down. 

Evan shot up, with a tiny gasp. It hurt. It hurt it hurt it hurt it hurt. Where he was bit started aching instantly, and his blood felt like it was on fire in his veins. He whimpered a bit, and Connor heard him quietly counting to 15. Evan tried his hardest not to make any noise, but godammit, it was searing pain. Not agony, exactly, but not far. He produced a small whine, and Connor most definitely did not feel guilty because of it. 

Around the count of 12, Evan sighed, and began to relax more into Connor, who shifted so he was holding him up with both arms around him. Connor smiled vaguely as Evan began to make tiny noises of pleasure. Evan felt calmer than he had in... years. It felt similar to the one time he tried pot (it was in Jared's basement Junior year.) The relief from the searing pain was much appreciated, and Evan felt light and peaceful.To Connor, Evan's blood was good. Not monumental, but better than average. Connor was faintly aware that he should stop soon, he felt his heart rate waver a bit. 

Reluctantly, he pulled away. Evan all but collapsed into his arms, whining a bit. He knew he had to soothe Evan. He did owe it to him, the human had literally opened a vein within a half hour of meeting him. After something like that, which was very taxing on the body, someone would needed to be comforted and cared for. Connor had tried to just eat and ditch before, and out ended poorly. Plus, being near the person he had just fed from would help them both recover quicker. 

Connor held onto him, shushing him and stroking at his hair. He was still shuddering and whimpering a bit, and Connor continued to calm him. Once he had stopped shaking, Connor raised his chin to look in his eyes. They were shut closed, Connor stroked his cheekbone to prompt Evan to open them. His irises were glowing blue, and Connor smiled slightly at the sight. He returned to Evan's neck to lap at the thin trail of blood leaking from the punctures. He mouthed at the wounds, which caused Evan to tremble. Connor quickly pulled away, with a slight apology on his lips. (Blood was also on his lips, Evan's blood). Connor licked at his lips, before returning his attention to Evan. He had put a hand to his neck, and a thin trail of blood was making its way between his fingers. Connor raised an eyebrow. "You okay there, Hansen?"

"Mmh? Y-yeah, I-I'm okay." Connor nodded, and moved to lap again at the remaining blood. 

"You're good, Hansen." He traced up and down the veins of Evan's forearm, adding some gentle pressure to the wrist. "Your blood, I mean. Better than average." Evan offered a small smile, then moved to lay down on the bench. "Hey, Hansen, before you do that, let's heal you up, okay?" Connor was acting softer than usual, a result of feeding.

"Hmm? M'okay, I juss wanna sleep." His words began to slur. Connor rolled his eyes affectionately, before pulling Evan to sit next to him. "Hansen, we need to take care of your neck, then we can sleep, okay? Sound good?" Evan hummed in response.

"Okay. I'm going to cut my finger, then you need to drink some of my blood, then you'll be okay. Sound good?" Evan muttered a bit of protest, before he shushed him. "You neeed to, Ev. Don't worry, it'll be good. Okay?" Evan reluctantly nodded. Connor pulled a switchblade out of his pocket, and sliced the tip of his thumb open. He offered it to Evan, who was far too dazed to do anything, before forcing it into his mouth. Evan drank a few drops, before his expression soured. 

"That's icky, Connor." Evan was acting immature, like he had reverted to a third-grader's mindset. "I know, but it'll heal up your neck real quick." Evan shook his head, which would have been endearing if his neck wasn't profusely bleeding. "Evan." He was said with a commanding tone. Not that Connor was mad at Evan, but it had to be done. "You need to do this. I know it tastes bad, but you have to do it, then you can go right to sleep. Okay?" Evan reluctantly nodded. The last thing he remembered was Connor laying him down on the park bench, and the lights slowly beginning to fade.


	2. Connor fuckin' yeets through the sky bitches

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan wakes up and remembers the chain of events I didnt feel like including in the first chapter, and the two converse,m among other things.

\---  
Evan slowly opened his eyes, allowing them to adjust to the sudden light. He registered the trees in the distance, then the one closest to him. He saw the way the light was broken and scattered, then watched the light trail down to... Oh right. Connor. Flashes from before he fell asleep stirred slowly, like cream slowly mixing into coffee in wisps and tendrils. 

\---

Going to work that morning at the park, and walking around the paths.

Hearing something rustle, and seeing a person crouched over.

Seeing Connor... eating a deer, which was fairly horrifying. 

Letting out a shaky gasp, Connor looking up, the deer running away. 

Connor saying "That was the only fucking thing I've eaten in weeks, Hansford." with a bite to his words. 

"H-H-Hans-s-sen." Evan stuttered out, avoiding Connor's gaze like the plague. 

"The fuck did you just say?" Connor took a step towards Evan, eyes glowing an unnatural blue, and Evan flinched. 

"M-M-My na-me isn't-t-t Hans-f-f-ford, its-s-s Han-n-n-nse-en." He looked down at the ground, not daring to look up. 

"Well, Hansen," Connor paused to wipe blood off his lips, "I need to eat something tonight, or I'll be a bit less civil. 

\---

"Hey, easy there. Take it slow, Hansen." Why was Connor being- oh fuck. Ow. Motherfucker, that hurt like shit. Everything was sore, but his neck was throbbing with pain. 

Evan must have winced or moaned or something, because Connor sat up a little straighter, and helped Evan to sit up. "How are you feeling?" Evan shrugged, Connor looked closer at his neck, examining the soft, pale flesh.

"Well, you don't have a mark there or anything, so that's good. Thanks, I guess, for the meal." Evan shifted his shirt back, and reached to finger at the spot of blood on his shirt. 

"T-t-thanks for healing me." Connor shrugged, and muttered something. "I kinda owed it to ya, after you let me... feed off you." 

"A-About that, Con-nor, what are you going to do now?"

"The fuck do you mean?"

"I-I mean, do you steal from the h-hospital, or do you eat animals, or is it an Angel from Buffy type scenario with a butcher-"

"Hansen." Connor said harshly. "I feed mostly from small animals and shit. I stole from the blood drive at school last year, I probably will this time around too. This is a fairly rare occurrence, real blood from a living human." Connor stroked the juncture between neck and shoulder, and Evan made a small noise. He quickly pulled his hand away. "Give me your phone. I'm gonna put my number in." The blond boy nodded his head, before hissing in pain. "Fuck, does your neck hurt or something?" 

"Wha-a? No, not really." Connor looked at Evan with a pointed glare, as if to say fucking really, Evan?, so Evan shrugged. "I-I guess, I guess i-it hurts a little." His voice trailed off at the end, and Connor's voice softened. 

"Here, Hansen, sit down. Fuck, I think I have a cookie in here or something?" Evan gingerly raised his hand to place on Connor's. "I'm- I-I-I'm fine, Con-nor." The vampire rolled his eyes, "Okay, fine, but at least drink some more of my blood." Evan paled. 

"W-wha? No, n-no thanks, Con-nor, I'm, I don't-"

"Hansen." Connor said, rather forcefully. "You didn't drink enough last time. You hardly drank enough to heal your neck, definitely not enough to do much good. For the love of god, just do it. Please." Evan moved to protest, before changing his mind and agreeing. 

"Good." Connor reached for the pocketknife again, and sliced the top of his pointer finger. He moved it towards Evan's mouth, not giving him much of a chance to fight, and stuffed it in his mouth. 

A think, viscous liquid flooded his mouth, it tasted bitter and metallic. Connor watched as signs of life returned to his features, red to his lips, color to his cheeks, light to his eyes. Once Connor felt he had drunk enough, he withdrew, and Evan sighed in relief. 

"Feeling any better?" Evan smiled slightly, nodding his head. "Y-yeah. T-thanks." 

"Listen, Hansen, I'll get you home. Give me your address, I'll take you." 

"F-fourteen n-ninety two Maple Drive. T-take a l-left at Wood A-avenue, t-then take a r-right when-"

Connor laughed. And it wasn't a little chuckle, either, it was a deep, resounding laugh. Evan decided very quickly that he liked the sound, and would be entirely un-adversed to hearing it again. 

"Hansen, I never said we were driving. I'm a vampire, remember?"

\---

Flying. Connor was taking about fucking flying home. He legitimately wrapped his arms around Evan, who was still confused about what the previous statement meant, and just leapt into the sky. Evan screamed, feeling the cool air race past him, watching the lights blur into streaks below him. Connor's cold chest, pressed into Evan's back, heaved with laughter, sadly, Evan was too frozen in terror to enjoy the sound. 

The trip took both twenty years and a fleeting second, it was over before it began, and Evan was back in the square dirt-patch he called his backyard with a resounding thump. 

"There ya go, Hansen. Home sweet home. I'll text?"

Evan, hands-on-knees, heaving for breath, whispered "Y-yeah, s-sure."

But when he looked up, Connor was already gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, I honestly dont really like this chapter. It's too short, and I dont like it in general, but the next one is gonna be good. But I still hope you enjoy it! Next chapter will be some point within the next week or so, depending on how badly school and an overwhelming feeling of worthlessness decide to fuck me. :)


	3. Chapter 2.5- Did I fucking stutter?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Honestly, this is filler. Unedited, rushed, not relevant to the plot filler, thats legit shit. I'm very sorry, I'm going across the country for Thanksgiving, and wont be back until Sunday, but I do have a bunch of stuff to write, so I'll post that. Depending on things, I may post a bmc story, so yeah. But yeah, sorry, take this actual shit from an actual human garbage bag.

Drained. If one word could describe how Evan felt in that moment, "drained" would be the best choice. Despite the fact that his blood was literally drained from his body (a fact which still had him reeling), interacting with another person (could you call Connor a person? Vampire seems a bit bigoted, humanoid? Humanoid made him seem like an alien, and creature was downright rude... person worked okay, Evan concluded) leeched any ounce of energy Evan had like a battery. The remainder of his night consisted of walking to his room and collapsing face down on his bed, where he would sleep for the next four hours.

At 4:20 in the morning (haha 420), Evan woke up. No specific reason, per se, his brain just decided to jolt awake. Regardless, he authored a new text to a contact labeled "connor".

Evan- Hi Connor! It's Evan. I'm here if you ever want to chat! 

With little overthinking, Evan hit the send button, then watched with bated breath as three dots appeared, then disappeared, and so on. After a painstakingly long 3 minuted, Evan received a simple-

Connor- hey

Evan- Are you feeling better?

Connor- yeah

Then, 47 seconds later, 

Connor- thanks for today

Evan- I'm glad to help! If you ever need it again, I'm here

Evan cursed himself for dressing the phrase "I'm here" twice, even though this wasn't an English essay. The conversation quickly died from there, Evan assumed Connor got mad at him, or something, so he killed the urge to send seventeen compulsive "I'm sorry" texts, and capped the exchange with a quick "Goodnight, Connor. I'll see you at school tomorrow!" He received no response, but quelled the urge to panic. It was a school night, after all, and no one accomplished much on 4 hours of sleep. 

\---

Connor flew (yeeted) back to his house by midnight, opting to accept whatever verbal assault his father would badger him with upon entry. He tried, he really did, to re,main calm. Larry had had a whiskey, so he was slightly nullified, and Connor had dealt with far worse. And, he was feeling really invigorated by the fresh blood, so he should have calmly dealt with the taunting and the jabs, but fuck if Larry didn't just pinpoint what would set Connor off. 

Every word just contributed to an overwhelming buzz in his ears, and his vision shifted to the side, and he started yelling. He could hear Zoe gasp, up in her room, but he couldn't find it in himself to care. Connor didn't even process what he was saying, he yelled and cursed, then screamed "Fuck you, dad!" He stomped up the stairs to his room, then slammed his door. 

"Fuck you Larry." He said it loudly enough, loud enough that Larry yelled up "What was that, son?" 

"I said, Fuck you, Larry! Did I fucking stutter?" A slew of insults later, and Connor was lying on his bed, face up, with earbuds jammed as deeply as they would go, piano music blaring as loud as his phone would allow, scratching his shoulders and upper arms up and down, creating red lines and little bumps. It hurt, his nailed burned and stung. In a few moments of weakness, he dug his nails into the skin of his palm and arms, which hurt and ached. Once he had taken out every remaining drop of frustration on his arms, he just lay there, still and silent. The burning and tingling of his arms was borderline pleasant, a warm sensation that made his feel just a tiny bit more real, a final tether to reality. 

After Connor had cooled down, and the burning on his arms became less than enjoyable, he sat up and grabbed a notebook. It was a composition book his mom had bought back in seventh grade, with little stars and space ships on it. It was filled with rage-induced drawings, writings, and one one page, two round spots of crimson. Connor tried to avoid that page. He flipped past page after page of paragraphs detailing how horrible and worthless he was. A clean, blank page emerged, and he wrote the thoughts in his brain as soon as they surfaced, and soon the page was filled with chunks and fractals of gibberish. Words, some misconnected, some phrases, mostly self-deprecating, were scrawled in shaking lettering. 

WORTHLESS DISAPPOINTMENT HORRIBLE DIE DIE DIE KILL MYSELF DIE HATE HATE 

It was all there, on the paper. Connor, so desperately wanted to show it to his mom, maybe Zoe, and beg them for help, a hug, a kind word, something. But he just couldn't. So he placed the notebook back under his bed, and laid on top of it, phone in hand. The vampire jumped when he felt a buzz emit from the device, checking it with disbelief as an incoming message was displayed. 

Maybe Evan- Hi Connor! It's Evan. I'm here if you ever want to chat! 

Hm. Connor had expected Evan to just ignore his number, maybe ask for homework help, if he was really desperate. But this new text seemed like the beginnings of... frienship. God, it had been a long time since he had someone he could genuinely call a friend. Who was the last person to take that title, Jake Dillinger? In second grade? God, that was a while ago, and had ended badly. But Evan, he was sweet and willing to help Connor out, per se, which was more than his own family. This friendship may be worth trying, so Connor sent back a-

Connor- hey

Within a few seconds after sending that, his phone pinged with the message-

Maybe Evan- Are you feeling better?

To which the only polite response would be-

Connor- yeah

Connor- thanks for today

Thanks doesn't exactly cover Evan opening a vein for him, after a whopping five minute of conversation, but hey, Connor was fairly new to this. Evan, the communications master, jumbled-

Maybe Evan- I'm glad to help! If you ever need it again, I'm here

Followed by another message after Connor didn't respond-

Maybe Connor- Goodnight, Connor. I'll see you at school tomorrow!

And he may not have sent a response, but Connor did wear the slightest of smiles for the remaining sleepless night. 

At least someone seemed happy to see him.


	4. Really fucking hungry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so these last few chapters have been short and kinda sucked, so here's a long one I like.  
> TRIGGER WARNING- kinda detailed panic attack and dissociation, and some self-deprecating stuff. Also the typical amount of gore for a vampire fic, so if either of those things bother you, be careful.

Connor was hungry. Like really fucking hungry. He fed from Evan a mere 13 hours ago, but the thing about eating while hungry is that it reminds you how hungry you are. The thing is, he knew while he was feeding that it wasn't enough to satisfy him. He could have eaten far more, but it would have been too much for Evan. Something about the honey blonde endeared him to Connor in a way reserved only for Zoe and his mom. 

Lovely as that was, that didn't change the fact that Connor was starving. 

He couldn't stop thinking about Evan's blood, warm and refreshing, he could feel Evan's heartbeat and hear his breath, and damn if something animalistic about that felt right. He considered talking to Zoe, but... That never went well. Besides, what was he supposed to say? "Hey, Zoe, it's me, your asshole brother, who has made your life a living hell. Well anywhoo, surprise, surprise, I'm an undead blood-sucking vampire now, and feeding off of one of my defenseless classmates made me realize how hungry I am. Got any pointers 'bout that?" 

Yeah, no, that's not going to happen.

He lumbered down the stairs, and wound up in his kitchen. He mindlessly chewed on some potato chips, which were severely lacking in flavor, but at least gave him something to do. While returning the chips back to the shelf, the bright packaging of a box of Froot Loops caught his eyes. He shoved a few generous handfuls of the cereal, dry, into his mouth with a fervor. Once again, it was severely lacking in flavor, but eating the dry snacks were slightly cathartic, reminding the vampire of times before he was turned. His dinner would consist of two bites of whatever grand meal Cynthia had concocted, mostly to nullify her, then dry handfuls of cereal straight from the box. It always was a good depression meal. 

Speaking of depression, that was fucking fun. 

Anyways, between the stairs and the midnight snack, he had made enough noise to wake up his mother. 

"Connor?" Her voice was soft and melodic. Part of Connor wanted to just break down right there, in his kitchen at fuck-knows-when in the morning, to tell his mom every horrible thought and jagged scar and every single demon he had. But he just... Couldn't. 

"Yeah, ma?" She slinked around the stairs and walked softly into the kitchen, clutching her bath robe tighter around her waist. 

"What were you doing, out so late?" Her words lacked the bite and judgement of Larry's. She walked up to him and smoothed a piece if his hair behind his ear. 

"I was... out." Cynthia looked into his eyes with such sorrow, he added "With a friend, Ma. A... a boy in my class. We were... we were hanging out at the park, you, you know, the one with all the trees?" Cynthia's eyes lit up, and she smiled as if Connor had just hung the moon and the stars. His mother made a soft gasp, before wrapping her arms around him and squeezing tight. 

"Connor, you, you, that's wonderful!" She pulled back to grab his hands, and her smile was so wide, it spread to Connor just a tad. 

"Y-Yeah, mom, I guess." She pulled him to the couch and sat him down, and clicked the lamp on. 

"So, this boy you were with, was he nice to you? Did you have fun? What did you do?" Connor shrugged, before mumbling out, "Y-yeah, ma, he's nice. His name is Evan. We, uh, met up at the park? Yeah, and we just, kinda, hung out. We got ice cream at that place, you know, A La Mode? Yeah, it was nice." It wasn't entirely a lie. He had gone out to A La Mode that day, and they had technically hung out, and it was at a park,so... He wanted to tell the truth, but she just looked so proud, so happy, and she held his hands tightly before softly saying--

"I'm so proud of you, Connor, you know that? I'm so proud of my boy. I know things are..." She trailed off, and gave his hands a reassuring squeeze before continuing, "hard, sometimes, and I know you're trying so hard. And I'm just," her voice broke, and she grabbed her son into another bone-crushing hug, "just so, so proud, Connor." He whispered "Thanks, mom." And if his voice broke a little too, neither of them said anything. 

"Connor, do you want to maybe invite this Evan to dinner sometime this week? I could, I could cook that chicken you like, the one with the spicy sauce? You, you know, with the peppers and the cilantro? Oh- and we could make cookies! Remember, remember when you and Zoe were little, and we made the pecan sandies, but Zoe had just lost her front teeth and said "peaking shandies?" His mother took a pause to softly laugh, and she just looked so hopeful, so he nodded, and said,

"Yeah, mom, I'd love that. I'll, I'll text him tomorrow?" She hugged him so tightly, and Connor felt a few hot tears drop onto his shoulder. He felt bad, that the simple act of making a friend and inviting him for dinner was enough to make his mom start crying. He had really fucked up. But maybe, just maybe, this was the first step to healing that relationship? 

"Connor, I'm so proud of you, honey. I, I just love you so, so much, and if you... If you weren't here, honey, I don't know what, I don't-" She was cut off by a quiet sob, and Connor squeezed her tighter. "But, thats, that's all..." She trailed off, and kissed her son's forehead. 

"Now, honey, go to sleep. Maybe tomorrow, if you're feeling up to it, we can make some pancakes? Those are still your favorites, right?" He shrugged. 

"Mom, I don't... I don't think I really, you know, deserve,-"

"Don't talk like that, honey. You deserve to be just as happy as anyone, Connor. And Zoe, she misses you. I know it doesn't seem like that, but... you're trying." 

"Yeah, okay, mom. I... I love you, okay?" 

Cynthia didn't try to hide her tears at that, and Connor didn't let go until she did, some 15 minutes later. 

\---

ConnorMurphy420- hey hansen, do u have plans for tmrw???

TreeHugger- No, none that I know of. It's Thursday, so I'm probably just going to stay home and do some work. Why do you ask?

ConnorMurphy420- this is gonna sound weird cuz we just met but like 

ConnorMurphy420- do u wanna come to my house tmrw night?? like for dinner???

TreeHugger- Yeah, I'd love to! Are you sure its not a problem????

TreeHugger- Do you want to, you know, again?

ConnorMurphy420- wha?????

ConnorMurphy420- no, hansen, the dinner is chicken with like peppers and shit

ConnorMurphy420- but if u wanted me to.........

TreeHugger- No! 

TreeHugger- I mean, I would love to come to your house, and if you wanted to do that, I guess it would be a fair trade?? 

ConnorMurphy420- bitch what?? im not gonna make u feed me as payment for spending time with u?

ConnorMurphy420- like i wanna be friends with u??????

Connor swallowed the small bubble of rage in his throat at the thought that Evan expected him to force him to be his meal in return for a friend. He told himself that it was an "Evan has anxiety" thing, not an "Evan is terrified of you because you're you" thing. 

TreeHugger- Okay, awesome!!!!!!! Thank you so much Connor!!!!!

ConnorMurphy420- no problem hansen 

ConnorMurphy420- i can pick u up at like 4?????

TreeHugger- Sounds great!! Thanks again!!!!!

\---

Evan was, for the first time in a long time, looking forwards to the next day. It had been a long time since Evan had woken up and been even remotely happy about it. The next morning, he took his pills with a swig of orange juice, and hugged his mom. 

"Good morning, Evan. You seem rather chipper today!" Heidi smiled as she handed him a plate of toast. 

"Y-yeah, mom. I-I, I'm going to a friend's house tonight. F-for dinner." Heidi jumped (not actually, but she definitely sprung up) with joy. 

"Evan! Oh my god, honey, thats wonderful! Who is it? Is it Jared? No, you'd say Jared. You made a new friend! Oh my god, honey, this is great! I knew you could do it!" She clutched him tight to her chest, and pressed a kiss to his hair. 

"I have to run, now, shit. But, this is so great! Text me how it goes!" She whooshed out the door, and Evan was left standing alone in his kitchen. 

But, for once in his life, he didn't feel alone. 

\--- /time jump to that night bc fuck you/---

Connor honked the horn of a Prius that was looking a little worse for the wear. Evan ran out of his house, pulling on a jacket, which seemed to be considerable difficult with a cast on. He huffed once seated in the car, to which Connor smirked, and looked him up and down. 

"Heya, Hansen." Evan stuttered out a "hello", to which Connor nodded. 

"Hey, uh, thanks for coming? Tonight? Like, I barely even know you, and I could literally kill you at any given moment," Goddamit Connor, good choice of words, that'll help break the ice, "yet you're coming to my house for dinner. So, uh, thanks." He nodded, as if to say his little spiel was over. 

"What? N-No, no, t-thank you, C-Connor, For inviting me! I-In case y-you c-couldn't tell," A dark, self deprecating laugh, "I-I'm no-not invited o-out much, c-considering t-t-t-the everything about me, s-so, t-t-thanks." 

"You know, Hansen, of all the humans I know, you're the least annoying. So." 

Evan smiled softly at that, but it was quickly quelled when Connor said "We're here."

\--- 

"So, Hansen, you are going into the thunder dome. The Coliseum. Battle Royale. Dinner with the Murphy's." Connors little "pep talk" was doing little to assuage Evan's fears, but regardless, he climbed out of the car. 

"Now, Hansen, eyes down, one-syllable words once we get inside. Do not, under any circumstances, start a conversation with Larry, be polite yet brisk with my mother, and try to walk fast? Like, you do not want to be caught here." Evan nodded , swallowed, and steeled himself, then followed Connor to the front door. 

Connor opened it with a click, and the door opened out into a brightly lit room. It smelled like the inside of a Pottery Barn, and was decorated pretty damn similar. A woman with a cheery smile and a soiled apron tied around her waist ran up to the boys. 

"Hi, Connor! And this must be Evan. Pleasure to meet you, come in!" She grabbed Evan's non-casted hand and shook it with almost too-much vigor, before pulling him into a bone crushing hug. 

"H-Hi, Mrs. M-Murphy."

"Oh, please honey, call me Cynthia." He nodded, before retreating to behind Connor. 

"Mom..."

"Connor, I am just being cordial with your friend!" She let out a hearty laugh, before turning to look directly at her son. "Honey, your father will be here at 6:30, one of his clients had to change the schedule, you know how that is." He nodded, then dragged Evan by the arm up the stairs and slammed the door. 

Connors room was about what Evan expected, clothing thrown about the room, Papers everywhere. It looked as if a tornado (or a very passionately upset vampire) had gone through and wrecked the place. Which is probably exactly what happened. 

"Y-your room, it's-"

"A fucking train wreck, just like myself, I am well aware." He plopped down waits a sigh on an unmade comforter, and gestured for the human to sit down next to him. 

They didn't really know what to say, so they opted for silence: tense, uncomfortable silence. After 10 minutes spent avoiding each other's gaze, Connor broke the silence by saying "Fuck this. Do you wanna watch Steven Universe or something?"

Evan chuckled softly at the thought of this stoic, emo vampire watching children's cartoons. "Y-Yeah, that'd be great." Connor wordlessly put the show on his computer and sinks back into the blanket. 

Zoe pounded on the door and yelled "Hey asshole, dinner is ready." 

"My lovely sister, ladies and gentlemen." Evan chuckled and got up. 

"A-Any pointers?" Evan was picking at his cast and his lip, which was bleeding and filling the air with a tantalizing aroma that just- 

"For one, don't do that. You smell good, and I'm hungry enough as it is." Connor's eyes went a glowing light blue, and Evan quickly stopped. 

"S-Sorry."

Connor sighed and pushed his hair back from his eyes and tied it back into a knot. "Secondly, don't say 'sorry'. Larry will see that as a sign of weakness, and you don't want to be seen as weak. Speaking of Larry, he's an asshole, so don't bother with that. Zoe will be a little bitch, try not to let it bother you. And my mom, be nice to her, she's trying to be a good mom. She's just a tad... clueless." Evan gulped, and motioned to leave the room. 

"Oh, and relax. They'll love you as long as you're not a drug lord or a hooker." Being neither of those things, Evan cautiously walked downstairs. 

\---

Connor had not lied when he said that dinner with these people was a fucking Battle Royale. The food was delicious- holy fuck, did Cynthia of to culinary school or some shit?-, but literally everything else was fucking awful. Evan thought things were bad at first, the time spent in a tense silence with Larry checking emails on the phone. Cynthia tried to talk with Evan, she asked him your typical mom-meeting-a-friend-type questions, and Evan would stutter out a response. Zoe asked "What is my brother black mailing you with thats so bad you'd suffer through a dinner with him?", Connor growled, and that's about where conversation stopped. Evan had prayed that the conversation would just end there, for the love of God, but God had abandoned the Murphy household tonight, apparently. 

Larry put his phone down. "So, Evan, are you doing any drugs?" Evan, who had the unfortunate luck to be drinking water at the time of the question (see above: God has abandoned the Murphy household), snorted the water out. Zoe started chuckling and patted down his shirt with her napkin, Connor smacked her hand away. 

"Yeah, dad, all I do anymore is get high, and the only people I converse with are fucking coke-heads and meth addicts." Connor signed and pulled his hair out of the bun. 

"Connor, watch your tone with me. And Ethan, please answer my question. Do you provide Connor with drugs?" 

He bit his lip before responding "It's E-Evan, sir, a-and n-no." Connor could smell Evan's blood, and shit- He was making himself bleed. This was /not/ good. A quick glance at the blond showed bruised crescent moons on the palm of his hand, and four fresh indentations dotted with blood joining them. 

"Listen, Larry, this may be hard to get through your pea-brain of a mind, but I do things other than get high and disappoint you. So I'd appreciate it if you didn't make him feel like your'e appraising a cut of meat at the deli." Connor speared a cut of chicken with his fork and angrily chewed it. 

"Evan, honey, we really appreciate you coming out here for dinner. We''re just so happy to see that Connor has such lovely friends." Cynthia spoiled and held Connor's hand above the table, which succeeded in calming him down a bit. 

Evan blushed at the praise. "T-Thank you, M-Mrs. Murphy. I'm j-just glad to be C-Connor's friend." 

The meal could have just ended there's but /no/, because Larry just can't let Connor have a nice meal with his friends. 

"So, Evan, you seem like a fairly nice kid. Why the hell are you hanging out with someone like my son?" 

"Larry-"

"No, Cynthia. Evan seems like a perfectly healthy young man, who appears to be on a good course in life. He shouldn't be hanging around like someone like our son." Connor slammed his fork down, and balled his napkin into a fist. 

"You bastard, why do you insist on ruining things for me? Why can't you just-"

"I'm a mess, Mr. Murphy." Evan's voice was unwavering, cut with something Connor had never heard Evan's voice filled with before: rage. Zoe whipped her head to face the blond with a look akin to wonder on her face, same with Connor.

"Son, what do you-"

"I take medication to feel somewhere close to okay, I break down a lot, and I've been in therapy since I was seven. If anything, Connor shouldn't be around me." 

The room was silent for an agonizing eight and a half seconds. 

Then, at the same exact time, Zoe and Connor busted up laughing. 

"Holy shit, you didn't stutter!" And "Jesus Christ, dad, you made the quiet kid roast you!"

Every trace of anger had bled from Evan, leaving him paralyzed and terrified. He sat up straight-as-a-rod, eyes wide with fear. His ears were ringing too loudly for him to hear whatever words Connor exchanged with his parents. He was aware that he stuttered out a kind word to Cynthia, then was dragged upstairs by Connor's iron grip. 

\---

They were in his bedroom. It smelled like a bayberry candle and smoke. He was on a bed. Grey sheets, rough under his hands. His sweatshirt felt rough and scratchy, his jeans were tight and course on his skin, and his mouth hurt his eyes hurt, his back hurt. Connor's hands on his back were tingling not in a good way, but his cheeks and the side of his tongue hurt too much, and his mouth was too dry to find the words to say /it wasn't helping/. 

"H-H-Hands" It was whispered, and stuttered, but Connor picked up on it and pulled his hand away as if it had been burned. But that didn't feel right either, he felt like he was floating away, watching his life from a movie screen, he needed something to ground him. He kept seeing fractals of what seemed like a drug-induced dream, things that felt real and looked so familiar, but he couldn't put his finger on what they were or where they were from. Little fragments of memories that weren't his flew by, like trying to grasp water in the ocean, and he couldn't remember. He was getting nauseated and panicking and drying and he /didn't feel real/. He felt like he was going crazy, he needed something to ground him, so he grabbed Connor's hand. Connor looked at him, and he could see Connor's lips moving but all he could hear was white noise. He somehow mustered the strength to move Connor's hand to the back of his neck. It was cool on the hot skin, and it did enough to clear the fog in his mind, and he could hear what Connor was saying. 

"-fuck, okay, are you okay? Shit, fuck, can i do anything, or-"

"C-c-c-cc-count, t-t-to-to t-t-te-en". And he did. He stroked up and down Evan's neck and counted up to ten, then back down. Slowly, his jaw unclenched, his fingernails stopped carving lines into the soft flesh of his arms, and the last of the panic ebbed from his body. After it was done, Evan felt hollowed out. 

He honestly didn't know if he was dissociating or not, but he just felt so empty, and blank. At least he was breathing. He heard Connor saying things like "blood" and "wrap". Evan swallowed hard, and forced himself to listen to heat Connor was saying. "-drew blood, we need to wrap your arms." Evan looked down, and /fuck/, there were red marks running up and down his arms, and blood was trailing from a few more cuts than normal. These were... bad. Worse than usual, these weren't like the scratches he gave himself daily at school, these would bruise. Connor gingerly took him to the bathroom. 

"Hansen? Are you with me?" Evan nodded, forcing his eyes to focus. He saw Connor, looking at him with concern. "Don't worry, Hansen. You're okay, I promise. You just fucking owned him, don't worry at all. You're like, my hero now." Evan chuckled, and spoke with a soft, raspy voice. 

"O-Okay." He sat him down on the side of the tub. 

"Do you want some of my blood, or do you just want me to clean and bandage them?" 

He softly whispered "bandage. I-I-I c-c-can't e-e-eat right now." He nodded, and wet a cotton pad with hydrogen peroxide. 

"This is going to sting a little, okay, Hansen?" Evan nodded, and winced when Connor pressed the cotton against his wounds. Connor tried not to feel bad when he saw Evan hiss in pain, even though this time it wasn't his fault. Evan's arms looked painful, and the blood smelled really good, but he heard Evan's shaking breathing and rushed heartbeat and forced his hunger down (like years and years of rage and depression). He wrapped the semi-shredded flesh as gently as possible with gauze. They walked back into his room, with Connor propping Evan up as they walked, and sat back down on his bed. 

"Can I do anything else to help you, Hansen?" Evan chuckled darkly and softly rubbed his arms. 

"S-S-Steven Universe?" 

\---

They must have watched half a season episode before spoke up, prompted by Evan hearing Connor's stomach growl. 

"H-Hey, Connor, y-you hungry?" Connor perked up. Yes, as a matter of fact, he was fucking starving. He could still smell the blood from earlier, and it was really /doing things/ to his stomach. 

"What? No, no I'm fine. You, you just rest, okay?" Evan shook his head. 

"N-No, you c-can do it. I-I feel pretty okay, a-and it felt kind of nice? Y-You know, the first t-time you did it? A-And if you're hungry, a-and I like how it f-feels,..." He trailed off, and looked up at Connor. The vampire's eyes had already turned glowing blue. 

"Are you sure, Hansen? Like, afterwards, you need to take some of my blood. Can you do that?" Evan nodded, then shifted closer to him. 

"S-So, sh-should I sit here?" The brunette nodded, and shifted around the blankets. "Do you feel comfortable?" Evan hummed out a "yes", and Connor gently pulled the collar of his dress shirt back. 

"Promise me you're not doing this because you feel like you have to, or you owe it to me or something?" Evan blushed. 

"Y-yeah, I promise. It kinda c-calms me down, y-you know? R-Really, it feels k-kinda good." Connor had something akin to a pained look on his face, before licking his lips. 

"Okay, Hansen. Tell me if you want me to stop." Evan tilted his head to the side enough for Connor to lean his head in and sniff at Evan's neck. He could hear Evan's heart beating faster and faster, and his blood smelled so delicious. Connor's sharp teeth pierced the juncture of his shoulder and neck, hard, and Evan whimpered. It hurt, same as last time. It burned and stung and Evan grit his teeth to keep from full on screaming. Fuck, was this worse than last time? It hurt, it rut it really- f u c k. 

Evan sighed a sigh of release as the pain dissolved from his veins. The tingling was leeched from his being, and he softly moaned. 

Connor was having the time of his life. He was trying to be gentler with Evan, so he shifted his grip around Evan's waste with one hand so he was cradling him, an applied light pressure to the back of his neck with the other. Evan's blood tasted better without all the fear and adrenaline present the first time, plus Evan had just eaten. Connor could taste the contention in his blood, it tasted sweet and rich. Evan whimpered, and Connor slowed. Evan seemed to be annoying himself, if the little happy coos he was making were any indicator, and Connor was just starting to feel filled. He slowed down, trying to draw out the process as long as possible, for Evan's sake. 

At some point throughout the endeavor, Evan's hands had made it to Connor's hair, and he ran his fingers through the soft strands. Connor decided he quite liked that feeling. It seemed like an eternity later when Connor stopped and pulled away from the crook of his neck. Evan fell back onto the bed with closed eyes, making a happy humming noise and pulling his hands out of Connor's hair. The vampire returned to his neck to softly lap at the blood trailing from the puncture wounds. It tasted almost like cinnamon, but there was something beyond intoxicating about it. 

"You okay?" Connor brushed a strand of hair behind his ear and licked the corner of his lips. 

"Y-Yeah, C-Connor. Y-you?" He opened his eyes halfway, their glowing blue mirrored Connor's. 

"Let me take care of that, okay, Hansen?" In a daze, Evan muttered a soft noise of assent. Connor propped a towel under his neck and returned to licking and suckling gently at the wound, with Evan's fingers gripping at the taller's hair. He fussed over Evan's position until he was in a nest-like structure of pillows and blankets. 

Evan felt more relaxed and cared for than he had in a long time, with Connor encircling him with soft fabrics and pillows. Connor's mouth was covered in blood, but Evan didn't care. Connor's was making him feel wanted for once in his damn life, nothing was going to ruin that. 

"How are you feeling?" Evan had on a loopy smile and curled into a blanket, his way of saying "wonderful." Connor had on the smallest of smiles as he brushed a tuft of hair off of Evan's forehead. "Now, Hansen, you promised you'd drink some of my blood. Is that still okay?" Evan nodded. Connor took a razor blade from between two books on his night stand and sliced open the tip of his pointer finger with a hiss of pain. 

"Okay, Hansen, I know you don't like how it tastes, but you have to drink it, okay?" Evan drank a half-pint, from Connor's guess, of the black liquid before Connor deemed it was enough. Evan made a sour face before smiling again and surfing into a ball around a pillow. "I'm going to tell your mom you want to spend the night, is that okay, Hansen?" Evan nodde his head, so Connor picked up Evan's phone and texted one of the three contacts he had, labeled "mom". 

"Okay, Hansen, your'e staying here tonight." He moved to leave the room, but Evan whimpered as he walked. 

"S-Stay?" Well, fuck. The human had just fed him, yet again, and he looked adorable, surrounded by a little nest, with a dazed smile and vibrant blue eyes. How could Connor deny such a request?

"Sure, Hansen." He laid a hoodie down on the floor to offer some cushioning for the night ahead of him, but Evan made another noise of displeasure and grabbed at the air in front of him. 

"I-I kn-know its d-dumb, but c-can you, y-you know?" Connor went red with retaliation and stiffly nodded his head. He climbed into the bed, careful not to disrupt the happy little bundle sleeping in the center. He tried to not touch him, but Evan had other ideas. Connor was quickly pulled up against Evan's body (he felt too cold, which was a tad worrying), and his head was tucked into Evan's neck. Normally, he would be e x t r e m e l y u n c o m f o r t a b l e, but with Evan it seemed natural enough. Besides, what reason did he have to stay awake? It was the middle of summer, Evan had been taken care of and he was really warm and comforting. And he smelled happy and content, and Connor could just feel Evan's heart beating in his chest. With a final, happy sigh, he willed his mind to darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it! The panic attack section is what happens to me and stuff, so yeah. I tried to make it longer this time, and and it took a while to write, so I hope it's halfway decent. :)
> 
> Edit- I'm doing a shit ton for finals, and the next chapter will probably take me a while. I legit only have a few sentences, sorry. I'd rather post a good chapter later than a shitty little chapter now. :)


	5. White and Pretentious

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING- Hey so this chapter has some self-harm themes/topics in it. It's not a major part, but its there. To start off, I am not trying to romanticize it in any way, shape, or form. I included it because 1- it is realistic and based off of my experiences and 2- to show that people who do things like self harm shouldn't be ashamed or stigmatized, and that it's not the end. With that said, I know it's a sensitive topic, so I put three capital X's (XXX) before and after any part that discusses self-harm. I don't describe it in great detail bc that makes me feel sick, but I want to err on the side of caution. There are 3 self-harm related parts. So, yeah, I don't mean to offend. Stay safe, enjoy the chapter, and please don't hurt yourself (I'm going to include some links in the AN). It's not that big of a part, but still, stay safe kiddos <3

When Evan woke up, he felt something within himself chant "safe safe safe" over and over again. He curled closer to the source of warmth pressed against him back, his sleep-addled mind not quite comprehending where he was, or what the comforting mass behind him was. He breathed a deep breath of the smaller scent in the air, and- wait. Evan didn't smoke, neither did Heidi. And his walls weren't gray, and they certainly didn't have a- what even was that? did someone punch through the wall? Where was he? 

Just as Evan was beginning to spiral, he heard a grumble from the warm thing (body??????) behind him. He felt long hair tickle the back of his neck, and things clicked back into place. Connor had... /done that/ again, and fuck, had they... cuddled? 

Yes, Evan could say with 99% certainty that at least a minimal amount of canoodling had occurred.

Evan /couldn't/, however, say that he regretted it. Or wasn't enjoying himself right now. 

It had been a while since he had welcomed someone's touch. It always felt forced with Jared, and touching people in the hallways was downright horrible. Brushing against shoulders with basically strangers sent chills down his spine, he would scratch at his arms and shoulders until the unpleasant tingling was brutally replaced with the comforting and familiar warmth of claw marks. And his mother's touches, while well-meaning, felt uncomfortable. It felt like a chore, sometimes. 

But with Connor, he arches his back so that he was touching more of Connor's skin. It was warm and inviting, and he was fairly touched-starved. Sometimes, he held freshly printed papers and light fixtures for some warmth that mimicked human contact. 

Anyways, cuddling. With Connor. It calmed him down, he smelled nice and relaxing, an opinion which he voiced in a sleep-addled voice. 

"You smell nice." He thought it was barely a murmur, but Connor stirred at that. 

He seemed to go through an (albeit far shorter) epiphany of his own, and perked up. Evan swallowed a bit of pride at the fact that Connor didn't flinch away from him. 

"What do you mean, Hansen?" Was asked warily. Evan shrugged and blushed, suddenly becoming very focused on a spot in Connor's sheets. 

"I-I m-me-mean that you... you smell nice. L-Like, c-calming and s-stuff" Connor chuckled with realization. 

"Yeah, we do that. It's, like, a pheromone or some shit thats supposed to pacify our prey so it's easier to, you know..." 

"Oh."

"I mean, like, it just kinda happens. I wasn't doing it before, it just happened I guess. Like, my body reacted to me being near someone I had fed off."

"Oh, okay." 

"Survival instinct, you know?" Changing the subject, Connor quickly remarked "Let's check your neck."

Evan painstakingly turned his head to offer up where he had been bitten with a wince. He was still sore, though it was far less than last time. He felt calm and comfortable, and knew in the back of his head that it was a result of whatever Connor was releasing. (He was pretty okay with that, actually. He felt safe, and he trusted Connor not to take advantage of him). Connor gently prodded at the soft flesh, which was a bit red with a hint of a bruise. "Looks okay, Hansen. How're you feeling?" Evan shrugged again. 

"What time s'it?" Connor squinted at his phone screen. 

"7:30 on a Friday morning, too fucking early. You go back to sleep, I'll get you something to eat or some shit." That request was far too easy to comply with, so he fisted the sheets tighter against his body and drifted back into a calming nothingness. 

\---

Evan woke up to someone jabbing a loaf of bread in the juncture between his head and elbow. He slowly raised his head. "Wh-whaa?" Connor smirked at him with a strawberry pop tart in hand. 

"You need to eat this. You've lost a lot of blood in the past few days, so recover. And eat the damn bread. He looked at the loaf that was suddenly thrust into his hands, it appeared to be garlic bread. 

"I-Is this kosher?" Connor shrugged. 

"Most of the shit my mom gets is like, vegan, gluten free, lactose and salt free, and literally anything else thats white and pretentious. Not that kosher is pretentious, or anything, fuck. That's not what I meant, shit- I just mean that she likes to eat food with words in front of it to make her feel special."

"It-It's okay, I-I get it." He cautiously took a bite of the bread, which tasted... strange. Like, it tasted like garlic bread, but there was something sweet about it? He scarfed it down, and the pop tart followed soon after. He popped the joints in his neck with a slightly alarming crack, to which Connor winced in sympathy, and slinked so that he was sitting next to Evan. 

"You sure you're feeling alright, Hansen?"

"I-I feel better, now. T-Thanks, Connor." Connor ran his hands through his hair, and silently agreed. 

"You have to go home soon? It's like, 9 in the morning." Evan shook his head. 

"Nah, my mom is in class until 2-ish, then she has work until early morning. I'm free all day." 

"Do you want to hang out?" 

\---

Connor had some fancy fucking YouTube, and they watched a ton of conspiracy theory videos. Like, they watched every episode of Buzzfeed Unsolved, they watched a shit ton of videos filmed by millennials on their bedroom floors with candles and black shirts for aesthetic. Evan sat cross legged, with his chin over his folded hands propped up on his knees. He was watching the tv with such intent, so engrossed in the wild accusations being flung around on the screen, with a little twinkle in his eye. Connor hadn't meant to look at Evan, really, he just went to crack his neck, when he saw... that. Evan. Evan just looking fucking adorable, watching so intently with the tip of his tongue handing out of his mouth. He was just so... holy fuck. Right then and there, Connor felt something stir in his heart, and holy shit.... Evan Hansen. 

The quiet, anxious kid, who scratched so hard at his arms that they bled, and seemed to like Connor. Yeah. He wasn't an asshole to Connor, he seemed to actually enjoy his company, he dealt with his shitty parents, didn't insult him. He felt safe enough to fall asleep next to Connor, safe in the knowledge that Connor, who certainly could, wouldn't rip his throat out or something. He didn't freak out when Connor admitted that he could release pheromones that were meant specifically to allow Connor to fucking eat him. 

Yeah. 

Evan Hansen. 

Fuck. 

He was in love. 

With Evan. 

Fucking. 

Hansen. 

Fuck. 

\---

Evan left at around 6 at night. He hugged -fucking hugged, how long had it been since anybody other than Cynthia had hugged him?- Connor and thanked Cynthia profusely for dinner. 

Cynthia let a single tear fall before wiping it furiously with her sleeve. 

"Connor..." His mother walked up to him and hugged him tighter than she had in... since what had happened last year. "I'm just so proud of you, honey." She kissed the top of his head. 

"Why?" 

Connor straight-up growled, and Cynthia held him tighter to her chest. Larry hadn't even looked up, he was sitting crossed-legged on a leather chair, sleeves rolled up, glass of whiskey on the table next to him, writing on papers of some sort. Connor saw red, he was about to start spewing fire, but Cynthia beat him to it. 

"What the hell do you mean, Larry? Why shouldn't I be proud of my son?"

"Because all he did was have a little friend over, a rather insolent and rude child, might I add-" 

This time, it was Connor who responded, yelling "Don't you fucking talk about Evan like that," /Connor, language!/ "he treats me better than you ever did, Larry!" 

"There we go, back at it with that 'I failed you' speech again. Tell me again, Connor," He stood up and slammed the papers down on the table with a /bang/, "how exactly have I denied you? What did I not give you? I gave you everything a boy could want. I got you your little pills when you decided we weren't paying enough attention to you. Please, Connor, give me a list of my shortcomings!" 

XXX

"Oh, yes, Larry, perfect fucking Larry! I am sick and tired of this martyr attitude, poor you, buying your fucking child food and toys. Do you know how fucked up it is to make your kid feel guilty about buying them food? You got me what you weaned me to have. Why the fuck would you buy me a baseball glove, I have never had any interest in that dick-measuring contest! And- and don't even fucking mention the antidepressants. You took me off of them after two months, against doctors orders, for that matter! Maybe if you hadn't been such a piss-poor father, I wouldn't need antidepressants, I wouldn't be depressed, and I wouldn't have tried to off myself!" He was heaving for air, eyes beady and fists balled so tightly they were white and shaking. No one in that room dared to say anything after that. 

Connor squeezed his mother's hand, then stormed up the stairs and slammed the door so hard it rattled in its frame. 

Too loud. Too loud. Too loud too bright too much too much. 

Everything burned and felt scary and fuck fuck fuck fuck 

Failure failure failure die die die disappointment 

Fuck up waste of space 

He struggled as he stumbled to the shelves across from his bed, with shakey hands he lifted the magic-8 ball. 

Under the window for the messages to be read, there was a small piece of silver. 

He held it in his hands, shaking. He closed his fist, tight enough that he could feel it stabbing the flesh of his palms, it was stinging and burning but he couldn't stop. 

He couldn't make himself stop. 

He couldn't stop. 

\---

Connor had taken out every ounce of frustration on himself, his shoulder and upper arm and wrist until he felt like a shell. 

XXX

Empty. 

It's dangerous to be empty. 

He really shouldn't be alone when he feels empty.

He can't be alone when he feels empty. 

So, he went to the place he felt safest. 

Evan fucking Hansen. 

\---

Connor tried to walk down the stairs as quietly as he could, but God still had forsaken the Murphy's, apparently, because Cynthia was sitting on the couch, crying softly. 

"Mom, I-"

"Connor! Honey, how are you?" Fuck. He hadn't exactly... dressed... his "coping mechanism", he hadn't really thought too far ahead other than grabbing a sweatshirt and his keys. His blood was a fairly viscous substance, it probably wouldn't bleed through the material of his sweatshirt, but he still stiffened. 

"F-Fine, ma." Shit, his voice was really raspy. "I-I'm going... out. To a friend. T-To Evan." Something in his eyes must have given away ho desperate he was, because she just nodded and swallowed. 

"Okay, Connor. I love you, okay, honey?" 

"You too, ma." 

\---

When Evan heard his doorbell ring, he had three immediate thoughts:

1- That can't be mom, she has a key, and she's not supposed to be home for another six hours, f u c k

2- That can't be Jared, he would bang on the door and yell until Evan let him in, f u C K 

3- That means the only other possible option is a murder, oh god, they're here to kill Evan, why, he didn't do anything wrong- F U C K-

"Hansen? Hey, Hansen, you in there? It's Connor?" Evan ran over to the door, swallowing shame that he immediately went to murderer in order to open the door. There, he saw Connor, looking sleep-deprived and disheveled, standing in his doorway. 

"O-Oh, hi, hi Connor! What-what are you doing, here? At my house? N-N-N-Not that you're not- not that you're not welcome here, its just that, just that you didn't, didn't text, or-or did you? Did-Did I not, not answer, because if so, I'm so, so sorry, Sorry-" Evan was panicking, so Connor said "No, No Hansen, you're fine, I was an ass and didn't say anything to you. Does now work, like to hang out?" 

"O-Of course, Connor! We can, we can play Jenga and chess, or-or I have Netflix, if you want to, want to do that?" 

Connor smiled weakly, still standing in the door. "Yeah, I love Parks and Rec, if you want to watch that?" Evan returned with a whole-hearted smile, "Yeah, I-I-I love that show! Not, not not season sev-seven, though." Connor nodded, raising his eyebrows and pursing his lips. 

"Y-You're still in the, in the doorway. Is everything, everything alright?" Connor rolled his eyes, and stated matter-of-factly "I can't come in unless you invite me, Hansen." 

"O-Oh, r-right! I'm, I'm so, so sorry, Connor, of course, of course you can come in!" Connor limped in the door, Evan noticed the ginger way he walked. 

And he could smell... shit, is that blood?

"Connor, are, are you sure I didn't become a-a, you, you know?" Connor gave him a pointed, questioning glare, which prompted Evan to follow up, "A-A v-vampire?"

Connor shot up, one hand immediately going to the back of his neck in a near-protective manner. "The fuck? No, Hansen, I wouldn't do that to you. Besides, its, like, a whole clusterfuck to turn someone. Like, I have to pretty much drain you of blood, so that you're, like, almost dead, and then you have to have to drink a bunch of mine, then you're pretty much comatose for a day. Plus, it hurts like Hell. You'd know." Connor tried his hardest not to be offended at the thought that Evan thought he would ruin his life like that, chalking it up to anxiety and a lack of experience in the field of vampirism. "Why do you ask?" 

Evan gritted his teeth. "When, when you walked in, I-I-I, I th-thought, thought I smelled blood. Your, your blood." Neither boy missed how Connor stiffened at that. 

"Well, you're wrong, Hansen. You'd- You'd know if you were a vampire. I don't know what you think you're smelling, but its sure as fuck not my blood." Evan nodded warily. 

"Oh, okay. W-Well, if you wanna watch Parks and Rec..." His voice trailed off, and he gestured to the couch. Connor made himself comfortable on the couch, as far away from Evan as he could be. He curled into the cushions, arms defensively crossed over his midsection. 

They watched the "Treat yo' self" episode, Evan was in stitches the entire time. Connor seemed to calm down a bit, he relaxed more into the cushions and sighed. "Do you have a bathroom?" 

Evan chuckled, feeling adventurous, as responded "No, we just shit in a bucket in the corner." He held his breath, when Connor laughed. A side-splitting, jovial sound that made Evan's heart flutter. 

"Okay, Hansen, that was funny." He continued to chuckled as Evan informed him "Down that hall, first door on the right." He slinked away to the bathroom, Evan sat up to shift the blankets into a more comfortable position, when he saw- yeah, no, that's definitely blood. 

XXX

About ten dark spots mottled the cushions, where Connor had been sitting. Upon closer inspection, he came to the realization that it was, in fact, blood. Connor's thicker, darker blood had seeped through his jacket, it seemed, and stained the fabric. 

"Hey, Hansen, you're out of..." Connor's gaze followed Evan's to the couch. "Toilet paper. Hansen, look-" Evan started stammering "C-C-Connor! Are you, are you okay? A-A-Are you hurt, hurt, h-h-hurt, no, no, no shit, you're hurt, I-II..." He took a deep breath. 

"Hansen, its fine. Sorry about your couch." Evan stuttered out something that Connor decided was along the lines of "Don't worry about the couch, you're bleeding."

"Okay, Hansen, look. I'm fine, don't worry." 

"N-N-No, no, no you're, you're not, not, you're not f-f-f-f-f-fine." He scrambled up and ran to the bathroom, returning soon with a bright red first-aid kit. 

"M-M-My, my mom t-t-t-t-taught me, taught me how to..." He trailed off and gestured to his sweatshirt sleeves, slick with dark blood. Damn, Connor had to be better about that. 

"Look, Hansen, its nothing. Just a couple 'a cuts, nothing. There's no point in wrapping it, or some shit, they'll heal on their own, or-" He cut himself off, suddenly feigning interest in the long-forgotten sitcom. 

"Or-or, or what, Connor?" Evan asked as gently as he could, not wanting to pressure the brunette. 

"What do you think, Hansen? I need to feed. Don't-" As soon as Evan perked up, "Don't even think about it. I've fed off you twice in the past few days, you are not my personal blood bag. No, I've dealt with these perfectly fine before I was turned." Evan stiffened, he /knew/, just /fucking knew/ what the sources of blood were. He hated the idea of Connor doing that to himself. 

"No. If- If, If you're not going to let me feed you, I'm, I'm at least, at least going to take care of your wounds." When Connor frowned and looked away, he followed it up "If not for me or for yourself, then for my mom's poor couch." 

"Fine."

\---

Evan sit Connor down on a kitchen chair and asked him to take off his sweatshirt. Connor did, eyes fixed on the ground, with an expression akin to shame. "Don't... Don't look too hard, Hansen." Evan quickly nodded. 

"For... For what its, w-w-w-what it's w-worth, C-Connor, you d-d-don't need to be ashamed. I-I-I mean, you... You, you- you didn't go all, a-a-all the way. S-S-S-So, you're, you're not... You shouldn't.... s-s-s-s-shouldn't, shouldn't do that, but-but-b-b-but you dont, dont deserve... Deserve to be a-a-ashamed for..." 

Connor turned bright red as Evan gently wrapped his arms in gauze. 

XXX 

"Thanks, Hansen." 

"N-No problem. J-J-Just, you'd really, I-I'd m-m-miss you, Connor. M-M-My, my world, my world would be really fucking different, and wrong and broken and shattered and changed. Maybe , maybe the sun would still rise and set, and the, the, the fucking tides, the tides would still go in and out, but at least, at least one fucking, one fuckign person would be changed. Forever. Don't, don't you dare, don't you fucking dare for, for even one, one fucking moment, moment think that no one would care, or that, that the fucking world, world would be the same. Mine, mine would be, mine would be so much different, and, and I just... Let that, let that be enough for you, for you to not."

"O... Okay, Hansen."

Evan nodded and smiled. 

"Now, you need to eat something." Connor paled at that. 

"No, Hansen, I told you, I'm not taking more from you. I fed from you, like, 24 hours ago, recover. 

"Connor, I'm fine. Your blood fixed me up, and you need it more than I do." 

"Bullshit, Hansen. You need your blood to not die, I'll be fine. You played doctor, no reason to negate all that hard work."

"Connor.." Evan pulled his shirt collar back and grabbed Connor's hand, putting it over his jugular. "You can- you can feel that I'm fine. Picture of health." Connor took a steadying breath, his eyes opened to be a brilliant, glowing blue. 

"Hansen..." 

"Connor. You helped me, you, you fucking helped me yesterday, let me return the favor. Besides, we, we both know I don't mind. Please, please, just, just help yourself, Connor." Evan felt the adrenaline he had felt as he was giving his anti-self harm speech ebb, by the end he was just plain pleading with Connor. 

Connor gritted his teeth. "Fine, but I'm just taking enough to heal myself, /and/ I'm feeding from your wrist. Okay?" Evan nodded quickly. "S-Sorry..." Connor softened. 

"Hansen, don't apologize. You didn't do anything, just... I don't, don't want to hurt you." 

Evan nodded, and offered up his good arm. "So, so same thing, b-b-but, m-my arm?" Connor nodded, looking down at the pale flesh. 

XXX

He saw little lines unlike his own dotting Evan's arm, his were faded, except for six tiny, thin lines, the top line still red, right over the bone of his left wrist. 

XXX

"Hey, Hansen?" 

"Y-Yeah? You're not, not getting cold feet, are you?" Connor shook his head. 

"You're pretty fucking important to me too, Hansen. And not just cuz of this." Evan seemed like he was getting choked up, but Connor continued, "You treat me like a fucking person, don't you forget it." He a deep breath. "So, this still okay?" Evan nodded, misty eyed and appreciative. "Okay, Hansen. Tell me if you want me to stop." 

He cradled Evan's arm, with one hand supporting the wrist. He brought his arm to his nose to take a deep breath of the scent, and his eyes shifted back to a florescent turquoise. His lips ghosted over the blue vein, before biting down as gently as he could to break the skin. He pushed the animalistic side of him that yelled "DEVOUR" down in order to focus on Evan's heartbeat. He slowly drew the blood from his veins, trying to ensure that Evan was still okay. He could feel his skin stitching itself back together, and the taste... It was fucking perfect. Evan tasted sweet and warm, and safe. Something about him tasted and felt like home, more so than his own house ever had. As soon as he felt the last mark heal, he pulled away, and pressed a hand to the puncture wounds. 

"Thanks, Hansen." Evan, looking noticeably disheveled, ran the non-bitten hand though his hair. "Yeah, of course Connor. Are, are you all healed?" Connor nodded his head. 

"Good." 

\--- (Evan's POV bc I'm a whore for writing this shit)---

Evan was ready. This was his third time feeding Connor, he was ready, he was- F U C K

This R E A L L Y F U C K I N G H U R TS. His veins felt as if liquid fire was being pumped through them instead of blood, he could feel a pulsating pain shooting through every fiber of his being as he felt Connor slowly leeching the blood from his body, counting, he was supposed to be counting in order to know when the searing, blinding pain would end, he was at like 7, 8, 9, 10, 11-

And just like that, he was in bliss. The pain had left just as quickly as it had begun, and was left with a nice, calming, euphoric feeling. He sighed, and relaxed his side more into Connor with a happy, dopey smile. His other hand found it's way to Connor's hair, he found himself toying lightly with the greasy, tangled strands. 

All to quickly, Connor pulled away. He was pretty sure he was speaking words, but he didn't really know for sure. All he knew was that he was content and warm. 

\---

"Evan, you need to take some of my blood now, okay?" That word, /blood/, snapped him out of whatever post-feeding haze he was in. 

"N-No, Connor. I-I, I'm fine, just a little bit tired. Don't, Don't worry. Just, just go to sleep. My room is down the hall, you can spend the night." Connor gave him a pained look. 

"Hansen, really, please, just... just take a little?" Evan begrudgingly agreed, allowing Connor to feed him a quarter teaspoon of his viscous blood, before pushing Connor's finger out of his mouth. 

"Okay, okay, I'm" *yawn* "I'm good. Now, bed?" Connor chuckled, and rolled his eyes. He stroked one strand of hair out of Evan's face, and watched as the human pressed his cheek closer into his cupped palm. 

"Such a charmer, Hansen." Effortlessly, Connor picked up the human and delicately carried him to his room bridal-style. 

"Mmph, Connor. I'm not- not a Disney princess." The vampire chuckled, and gently laid him down on the bed. "You sure, Hansen? Cuz you sure are acting like a sleeping beauty." Evan blushed at that, and made a soft coo. He brought a blanket closet to his chin, and made grabby-hands towards Connor. The brunette set himself down next to Evan, who immediately molded himself to Connor's chest. Connor mindlessly stroked his hair, and evan made a sound that could be best described as a purr.

"Night, Connor." Evan curled himself closer to Connor and rested his head on Connor's chest. 

Connor had never felt safer than he did, right at that moment, sated after a feeding, basking in the afterglow, with a warm, cuddly Evan atop his chest. 

If he pecked Evan on the forehead, who could tell?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, so I hope you enjoyed the chapter! Just to say it again, don't self harm, don't romanticize self harm/depression, because it really fucking sucks. Anywho, sorry this chapter took so long, I was hella busy, and my math final shoved its foot up my ass, but I tried to make it longer to make up for that. The new chapter should be here by New Years, yeah! Stay safe, and hope u enjoy! 
> 
> Self-Harm app- Calm Harm (free app that helps quell the urge)   
> 7cupsoftea.com- online therapy/advice   
> National Suicide Prevention Hotline- 1-800-273-8255 (US)
> 
> Stay safe <3


	6. The Nurse, The Vampire, and the Trauma-Induced Flashback.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heidi and Connor talk, Evan freaks out, and Connor takes care of his- no, not his- Evan. 
> 
> Hey, again, self harm-suicide warning. This stuff is more focused on a panic attack. I'm not trying to romanticize anixiety, this is about as realistic as I can make it. I put a solid line of capital X's before and after any possibly triggering parts, so it should be okay, but still, if you're very sensitive to this kind of stuff (anxiety attack, self harm, and suicidal thoughts) dont read. Also, there's a part that might be child abuse. I'm not really sure, but I marked it with the X's just to be safe. Again, dont hurt yourself. You are worth more than you think you are, don't give that up. Stay safe, kiddos.

Heidi Hansen was a simple woman. She had a job and a child, and those two things meant everything to her. Heidi had the hope for a better future, so she sent her son to whatever therapies and clinics he needed, and worked as hard as she could to get a degree, so Evan could have whatever he needed. In short, Evan meant the world to Heidi Hansen, and she would go to the ends of the Earth to make him happy and safe. 

So when she sees him intertwined with another boy, in bed at 8:30 on a Saturday morning, she has a bunch of rapid-fire thoughts. 

1.) Evan is gay?  
2.) I knew Evan was gay!  
3.) Who is this boy?   
4.) Did they have sex?  
5.) Evan better have been safe if he did have sex.  
6.) Why didn't Evan tell me he was having sex?

She saw Evan push his head deeper into the other boy's neck, and make a content purr. Heidi smiled at the sight, setting down the basket of laundry she had come into her son's room to deliver. 

That sound seemed to wake the other boy. He stirred, and opened his eyes slowly. The boy scanned the room, seemingly flinched when his eyes landed on Heidi. 

She put a finger over her mouth, so he silenced himself. The nurse gestured out of the doorway, the vampire stiffly followed her. 

\---

"Hi there, dear. My name is Heidi, your's is?" They were seated on two grey chairs in a homey-looking living room, filled with pictures of Evan and Heidi, and brightly colored flowers. It felt like a home, not a Pottery Barn ad. 

"My- My name is Connor, ma'am. I'm friends with your son- with Evan." She nodded her head. 

"Friends? Just... Just friends?" 

Connor went beet red, a shade one would think is impossible for a vampire to turn with the total absence of red blood, yet Connor managed. "Uh, yes. Yes-Yes ma'am, just friends." She nodded in a seemingly knowing way. 

"Alright, Connor. Just, be safe with my Evan, alright?" Connor would have started to stutter something out, but Evan softly padded to the doorframe. 

"Mom? What are you doing? I thought you had class until 4." He spoke in a sleep-addled voice and rubbed his eyes. Connor smiled at the sight of his Evan- FUCK, NO, NOT HIS Evan, just regular, good ol' fashioned Evan. Connor smiled at the sight of /Evan/, looking adorable and cuddly. His hair was still mussied up from sleep, and he yawned with a hand over his mouth. 

"Hi, honey. Class was canceled, the professor was sick or something. I was going to make tacos for us, but your friend is welcome to stay!" She spoke in a cheery voice and ruffled Evan's hair. He playfully pushed his mom's hand away, chucking as he did so, and something in Connor longed to have that sense of camaraderie with... well, anyone. 

Jovially, Connor said "Yes, Mrs. Hansen, I'd love to have tacos with you and Evan." 

\---

Connor had insisted that he helped make dinner with her and Evan, and Mrs. Hansen- "call me Heidi"- readily agreed. As it turns out, Connor is very good at cooking. At first, he was just tasked with the basics, chopping onions and cilantro (A/N if you don't like cilantro, you're wrong. That's a fact). He finely diced the onions with an impressive speed and prescision, leaving little white cubes on the cutting board. He turned around to see Mrs. Hans- Heidi, with a pleasantly surprised smile on her face. 

"Evan, you didn't tell me Connor was so good with a knife?" Connor flinched at that, because /wording/, but he brushed it off pretty well. 

"Yeah, Mrs.- Heidi, I, um, my parents left me alone, a lot, so I had to cook for me and my sister a lot. I watched a shi- a /ton/, um, of cooking shows, like Chopped and Cutthroat Kitchen. Gordon Ramsey is like, my idol." Heidi smiled and nudged Evan, who turned fiery red. 

"Well, Connor dear, that's a very nice skill to have. I'm sure /someone/ will really enjoy that, someday." Evan chuckled fondly in agreement, albeit anxiously, and Connor caught a glimpse of his nervous laugh, and just a hint of a real smile. 

At that moment, both boys had a simultaneous thought: Fuck. I'm in love with this boy. 

\---

Connor sat down with a look of childish glee. A smirk, one might say. 

Yes, Connor's face wore a devious smirk, and he almost jumped up when he asked "So, Heidi, do you have any embarrassing photos and/or stories of Evan?" 

Evan squeaked, and Heidi (just as joyfully, might I add) responded, "Well, dear, there was that time in fifth grade, when Evan decided he was a superhero named Tr-"

"MOM!" 

\---

After the meal, Connor had gone to wash his hands. 

"So, Evan, honey, Connor? Is anything, y'know, going on there?" 

For the thirtieth time that night, Evan's cheeks flushed scarlet. 

"Mo-mother!" She chuckled warmly and put her hand over his. "Honey, there's nothing wrong with that. Dear, I'll love you no matter what." She kissed his forehead, and ruffled his hair. 

"Now, is this Connor nice to you? Does he treat you well?" 

Evan, being the nervous person he was, stuttered for a moment, before truthfully answering "Yeah, yeah. He is. He-He does." 

She looked at her son with nothing but compassion. "Do you love him?" Evan swallowed, and looked away. He contemplated his next words, before speaking from the heart. 

"Y-Yeah, Mom. I do." 

\---

"So, Connor, you're welcome to stay here as long as you'd like, honey. I need to go to work, but I trust that you too will be safe?" Evan, once again tomato-red, nodded vigorously, and Connor stuttered out "Yes, Mrs. Hans-Heidi." She smirked on her way out the door. 

"A-Are- Are you going to hang out here again? C-Cuz you're, you're welcome to, if, if you want to." He sighed in... well, many emotions. Anger, frustration, exhaustion. 

"Yeah, Hansen. I'm going to call my parents, but, yeah, I'll stay here later. Gimme like 5?" 

\---

Evan put on a fresh shirt, a soft grey t-shirt with the Zodiac signs printed in a slightly darker grey print. He brushed his hair into place with his fingers and sat on the bed, waiting for Connor. 

Wait-no- fuck. That sounds like they were about to have sex. No, Evan was not waiting like that, he just didn't want to sit on his tiny desk chair, and it would be dumb to sit on the floor, so he was sitting. Waiting. On the bed. 

Jesus fucking Christ. 

Speaking of using the Lord's name in vain, Connor's profanity could be heard form down the hall. From what Evan could hear, Connor was yelling at his dad, and saying some rather /unsavory/ things. 

Fuck you, Larry! You are not the boss of me! I don't have to answer to you!" Connor screamed, and it was loud and /fuck/, it was bringing back memories. 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

\---  
Age 7-ish

"Answer me!" The memory cut out there. Words can't describe how loud and furious that voice was. Think of a General screaming at his troop as they went into war. It was booming, and scratchy. Evan could feel the vibrations coming from his mouth. Evan couldn't remember what he had done, or why he was being screamed at, but all he could remember is sobbing, and not knowing what to say, and his dad screaming at him. His dad screamed so hard that day, his voice was horse for the next week. 

And of course, that was Evan's fault. 

Evan hated himself. That night, he cried into his pillow, feeling worthless and unlovable. How worthless and disappointing do you have to be for your own father to scream at you? 

That feeling never really goes away. 

\---

Age 12 

"Say it! God fucking dammit, say it!" 

"Jar-Jared's be-be-better than me!" He was looking into a long mirror that hung on the back of his door, speaking to his reflection. He couldn't remember what he had done to spur this punishment, but he thinks he was rude to someone? At a dinner party, maybe? 

"Say it fucking louder!" Evan was scared his dad would hit him. Or worse, hate him. He had threatened to do that, when he was younger. He must have been 5, 6 maybe? His dad had said that he would kick him out, or make him live outside in the yard, because his room was messy. Evan had started crying and said he would go and live outside in the trash cans, and only then did his father's face soften. He said he didn't mean it, and that he was only trying to make Evan better, because he loved him. But that's not love. 

"J-Jared doesn't... Jar-Jared's. Jared's"

"Fucking say it Evan!" He screamed, and Evan flinched and sobbed harder. 

"Ja-Jared's better than me! Jared's better... He's better than..." Evan trailed off, speaking quietly to himself. He tore his eyes away from the mirror, not being able to bear to look at his reflection a moment longer. He still can't, sometimes. His father could have been yelling, or screaming, or apologizing. Either way, all Evan could hear was a ringing in his ear, and the repetition of "Jared's better than me". 

That's all he said that night. 

\---

Age 9

Evan had done something wrong. His father had screamed at him until his throat was raw, and smacked things off his desk. His room was too messy, he deserved it. He deserved to be screamed at. He deserved the slap. 

The worst part? 

All he wanted was his fathers forgiveness. He said sorry into his pillow a thousand times before he fell asleep, and woke up a few hours later in tears. 

Why was he such a fuck up? Why couldn't he do anything right?

That night, he prayed. He was a Jew by blood, though never particularly religious. He only really prayed when someone told him to. But that night, he got on his knees and prayed. He begged for forgiveness from God, Moses, whoever ther hell was up there. He cried and apologized for what seemed like hours. 

"I'm sorry, God. I'm sorry I'm such a waste. I'm sorry I'm such a burden." Because thats what he was, right? A burden. His father had to buy him food and clothing, pay for his schooling, and he can't even keep a clean room? He was a waste. He fell asleep while begging God for forgiveness for a sin he didn't commit. 

\---

Age 11

Evan wanted to die. Right here, right fucking now. He wanted to die. He wanted to have a heart attack, or for the car to crash, or a fucking hit man to pop out from behind the seat and blow his brains out. Anything but listen to his father berate him. Scream, call him worthless and pathetic. He was crying, or maybe he wasn't. His face was puffy and red, and moist with tears, so who knew at this point? He was going to the beach. It was supposed to be fun, a way to celebrate the last day of 6th grade, but he was being torn to shreds by the one person he wanted approval most from. 

All over a B+ in an elective class. 

He had been young when his father told him "Schoolwork is the most important thin gin your life, Evan!" After he missed a homework assignment. He was disappointed in himself for getting such a low grade, but his father... His father yelled at him. He screamed and did and said things, made /Evan/ say things that he still wouldn't let himself think about in depth. That day was one of the worst of his life. That night, sleeping on the floor of his friend's room because he was too scared to go home, he thought about a bottle of allergy pills in his medicine cabinet. They were the strong kind, the don't-take-more-than-one-a-day kind. The bottle was almost full. He didn't plan to do anything, he was too scared of what his father would do if he survived. 

When they got to the beach, the last thing his father said before they got out of the car was "Don't you fucking dare let them know you've been crying." 

Evan didn't. He tried his best never to let them know. 

\---

Age ?

Evan had fucked up. His room was messy or he had done something to anger his father. In memory, all Evan could recall was his father screaming something, and slamming the door so hard the entire house rattled. He curled up in a ball on his closet floor and cried. He didn't move for hours. He just kept hearing the door slam slam SLAM SLAM SLAM SLAM SLAM 

\---

SLAM 

Evan screamed. The door was shaking, and Connor was standing there, looking pissed. He glared at Evan, who was shaking like a leaf, and suddenly everything stopped. The anger and hatred was leeched from his body like a toxin, and he saw Evan, /his/ Evan, rocking back and forth and apologizing, no, /begging/ for forgiveness. He was sobbing, and carving red lines that wept with blood into the flesh of his upper arms with shaking hands. 

"Evan?" Connor asked as softly as the teen could manage. Evan flinched far too harshly at the quiet mention of his own name, he focused on Connor and started forcing out apologies over chocked sobs. 

"I-I'm sorry, G-G-G-G-God, G-G-God I-I-I'm s-so s-s-s-so-so-so-sorry C-C-Con-Connor, I'm sorry I'm so so sorry I'm sorry I'm so so sorry Connor God I'm sorry I'm-" Connor freaked out and dropped his phone. Minutes ago, Evan was chatting with him, and being happy, but now he was having a full-blown panic attack. 

"Ev, I need you to tell me what I need to do to help you." Evan was shaking, and only stuttered out more desperate apologies, and Connor had no idea what to do, so he placed his hand on Evan's. 

He took a deep breath of air, hiccuped out something that sounded like Connor's name, and then grabbed Connor as tightly as he could. Evan kept begging his forgiveness in jagged fragments, sobbing into his chest with breath-wracking wails, and Connor couldn't bear it. 

"Ev, honey, you haven't done anything wrong. Don't cry." 

More sobs wracked his chest, and Evan forced himself to say something along the lines of "Yes, I'm so fucking worthless." 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Connor almost started crying himself, he shushed Evan as gently as he possibly could. 

"N-No, Ev, you're not. Don't... Don't say that, okay? Here." He remembered what Evan had done before, and placed his hand as gently as possible on the back of Evan's neck. The skin back there felt too hot, he stroked back and forth with light pressure. 

Evan had stopped speaking at this point, he was just tightly clutching the back of Connor's shirt. And sobbing. Evan was still doing horribly, he just wasn't speaking. 

So Connor, being a good friend, did the only thing he knew that could calm people. 

He sang. 

"I heard there was a secret chord. That David played, and it pleased the Lord, but you don't really care for music, do ya?" Evan made a surprised squeak, and tried to take ragged breaths instead of loud, ugly sobs. 

"It goes like this, the fourth, the fifth. The minor fall, the major lift. The baffled king composing hallelujah." He paused to breathe. It had been a while since he sang, depression pulls the song from your soul. But this was for Evan. 

"Hallelujah. Oh, Hallelujah. Hallelujah, Hallelujah." Why his mind went to this song, he didn't know. It was one of the songs he enjoyed to sing, he guessed. His mother had used it to lull him to sleep when he was a child, a young boy with scraped knees and a tooth gap. 

"Now baby, I've been here before." Evan was still breathing too hard. "I've seen this room, and I've walked this floor." Evan was gasping for breath, but at least he didn't seem to be sobbing. "I used to live alone before I knew ya." He raised his hand slightly, to massage at Evan's scalp. "I've seen your flag on the marble arch, and love is not a victory march. It's a cold and its a broken hallelujah. Hallelujah. Oh, Hallelujah. Hallelujah, Hallelu-u-ujah." Connor held the last note, looking down to notice that Evan wasn't shaking violently and heaving for breath any more. 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"You feeling better, Hansen?" The blob on his lap nodded in affirmation. "Can you talk, right now?" Evan shook his head 'no'. He started rapidly rubbing a closed fist over his heart in circles, Connor assumed it meant something in sign language, so he lightly held Evan's wrist. "It's okay, Ev. Is it ok if I touch you?" Evan started rapidly signing something, then just nodded. "Can we go to the bathroom? I need to fix up your arms." He nodded, Connor gingerly led him to the bathroom and sat him atop of the closed toilet. He gathered a ward of toilet paper and wet it under the faucet. 

"Okay, Evan. I'm going to put this against your arms. It might sting a little at first, but it'll help the swelling go down. Is that okay?" Evan made a movement with his fist, before just nodding his head. "Grab my arm or something if you want me to stop, okay?" Evan nodded again, and Connor tenderly pressed the cool wad to the scores on his arm. The blond hissed in pain, and Connor almost stopped, but he had to get the redness to go down, so he sat there until he felt any trace of coolness leave the compress. 

"Are you feeling better now?" Evan nodded, and choked out, with a ragged, scratchy voice, "Y-Yeah. Fath-Father. Fla-Flashbacks. I-I-I'm-" 

Connor cut him off. "Don't apologize, Hansen. You look like shit, no offense. And you didn't do anything wrong. I'm sorry for being such a loud asshole. Now, can I bandage these up?" Evan nodded, but then he grabbed Connor, and hugged him as tight as he could. "Th-Thank you, Connor." 

Connor took a closer look at the cuts. They were... deep. Some of them were wide, they all looked as if they would scab over. He looked at Evan's fingernails, to find that his thumb on his right hand had a broken edge, and was sharp. There seemed to be skin under that fingernail. Once the bandages were tightly wrapped, Connor grabbed a fingernail file and a bottle of purple polish on the counter top. 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Hey, Hansen, can I do your nails?" 

\---

After Evan wordlessly instructed Connor to switch to a blue polish, Connor filed and shaped (all to a rounded edge, so Evan couldn't hurt himself) all 10 of his nails. Evan seemed to be pretty put of it, for the most part, and Connor couldn't blame him. Whenever he had a depression-spurred attack, or an angry outburst, or a panic attack, he just felt like an empty battery. Once the final nail had dried, be gently placed Evan's hands back on his lap. 

"They're looking pretty killer, Hansen, if I do say so myself." He was attempting to joke, but it just felt forced and wrong. "Look, Hansen-" Connor sighed. What the hell was he doing? He barely knew Evan, what was he trying to do? "Do you want to, I dunno, talk? About it? With me?" Evan licked his lips. He shook his head no, then softly said "L-Later." Connor nodded, wanting to respect Evan's wishes. There's nothing worse than people pushing you about what you clearly don't want to talk about. 

"C-Con?" 

"Yeah, Evan? What is it?" Sheepishly, Evan asked, "Can-Can you, c-can you, y-y'know, d-d-do the c-c-calming, calming thing?" Connor must have looked puzzled, because Evan tapped his nose twice. 

"Oh, you mean the pheromones?" Evan nodded gingerly. "Oh, okay. Sure. Do, do you want to go back to your room? We can watch conspiracy videos on my phone." Evan, again, nodded. Connor picked him up, and cradled him in his arms, like he was valuable. Like he was something precious. "Okay, Hansen." He delicately set Evan down on top of the sky blue comforter of his bed, and sat next to him. He adjusted his phone so that it was leaned up against a mess of blankets, and Evan rested his head on Connor's chest. Connor could just /tell/ that the human wanted more, but he wasn't about to do anything with that knowledge, it was all up to Evan right now. "You still want me to use the pheromones?" Evan nodded against his chest. 

Connor focused on Evan, heard the beating of his chest (still to erratic for Connor's comfort), felt the warmth of his blood of his skin. He focused on "subdue", trying his hardest to make Evan feel relaxed. He couldn't really tell fit was working or not- again, he couldn't really control it- but whatever he was doing seemed to work out pretty well, because Evan started to coo. Connor's eyes widened as the human nuzzled his nose deeper into Connor's neck, and wrapped his arms around Connor. The vampire let him curl into a little ball, and held him as he sighed in relaxation. Connor's hand made it back up to stroke at Evan's hair, and something animalistic in him made him purr. Evan cooed and hummed in return, so Connor considered it a plus. 

He was sure Evan was fast asleep when he pecked his forehead with a kiss. "I want to know who made you feel worthless, Evan. I wish I could take away your pain." He held Evan tight to his chest, then passed out as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I hope you enjoyed that chapter! This is probably the most personal thing I've ever posted online, ummmm, yeah, please be respectful in the comments (not that you guys aren't kjafh;kuorghafkhrkfh your comments are the nicest, most supportive things and whenever i get one i smile like a mad woman its amazing). I'm not trying to romanticize anxiety issues, or child abuse, obviously. I wanted to show why and how Evan has some of these issues, and the best way I could think of to do this was to be very personal in my portrayal. Please, I'll say it again, don't hurt yourself. You may think you're worthless, but you're not. At least one person would be incredibly fucked up without you. Maybe your little sister, or the weird kid who sits next to you in math class. Every teacher who has you in their class would go home and drink and cry because a person they knew was gone. Don't do it. I love you, if no one else does. stay safe kiddos <3


	7. Bedazzled. Fucking. Cast. (Alternatively titled "A Wonderful Daydrem")

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SO I felt kinda bad that the last two chapters were pure not-happiness AND that this took so long ot get out, so I tried to give you a nice, long-ish chapter of fluff and bonding. And also Jared, because he is a complex, multi-dimensional character with genuine issues, not just a punchline. There are two or three kinda iffy-parts, mentions of self harm and mentions of a panic attack, but nothing graphic, like the last chapters. Still, they're marked with a solid line of X's so you have a heads up :) There's also some self-deprecating thoughts, but I didn't mark those because they're pretty small. Anyways, hope u like it, and stay safe, kiddos. <3

Connor had been awake for a few minutes, and he was... content. Yeah, that's a good way to put it. He was satisfied, almost happy. Sure, there was a deep, dark storm raging in his head pretty much 24/7, but in the rays of soft noon light, he could almost pretend that things were okay. 

Evan was sprawled across Connor's chest. He looked relaxed, similar to when Connor fed from him. Evan was resting his head over Connor's heart, listening to his shallow breathing. Connor was gently running his fingertips over the soft skin of Evan's inner arm, he had since enjoyed the little purrs of happiness that the boy was making. 

He focused on Evan, the sated expression gracing his freckle-dotted face in the summer sun. The hand that wasn't stroking at his arm moved to caress at Evan's face. He traced the bridge of his nose use to his eyelashes. He outlined the (his?) human's eyebrows with butterfly-like softness. The brunette really wanted to kiss every one of his freckles, and see him like this every morning until time stopped, and bundle him up with blankets in the winter months so that he looked like a little- F U C K N O those are NOT platonic friend-like thoughts. He felt like he was in 4th grade, and the teacher just smacked his desk to snap him out of a daydream. 

Still, it was a wonderful daydream. The blond kept letting out soft little coos and sighs of relaxation, moving to intertwine their legs and nesting closer to the warm body below him. Connor's right arm migrated up to Evan's hair to tenderly card through the golden strands. He scratched at the scalp with his fingernails, and Evan crooned softly into Connor's neck. 

Evan shifted closer to Connor, he nuzzled so that his nose was pressed deeper, closer to Connor's ear, and shifted so he was laying on his side more. Connor moved to gaze at Evan's sleeping form, the soft intakes and outtakes of his breath, the way his- NOPE Connor is D E F I N I T E L Y not fantasizing about cuddling with Evan. He was just doing this to make Evan feel better, right? Y E a H. 

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Connor knows what panic attacks are like, how drained and empty you feel after. 

He remembers waking alone, muscles sore from writhing on the cold bathroom floor, fingernails caked with blood and skin, throat raw. And the loneliness, the crippling loneliness, the feeling that you're alone and worthless that accompanies waking up after your mind gets put through the metaphorical shit can. 

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So, yeah. If he can make sure that Evan feels like someone loves him and wants to make him feel cared for, Connor will do it. 

"It" includes running his hands up and down the dip in Evan's abdomen, apparently, because that's what Connor's hands find themselves doing, as Evan hums in assent. Connor just gazed lovingly at the human, until his eyes fluttered open. 

"C-Connor?" Evan's voice was raspy and soft, but Connor didn't mind. He made sure that everything would be calm for Evan (He wanted nothing more than to spare Evan the hell he went through after a panic attack), so he spoke softly and moved his hand back. 

"Yeah, Ev? How are you feeling?" The honey blond shrugged, a short movement that looked as if it hurt him. "I-I've... I've felt bet-better." 

Evan was trying not to be a burden. First he made Connor take care of him when he was freaking out, AND made him do some weird vampire voodoo shit? AND NOW Connor was... Well, whatever the hell it was it felt good. And what was Evan doing for Connor? Diddly squat. God, Evan was so needy and pathetic and annoy-

"Hansen!" Connor yelled it a bit louder than he wanted to, but Jesus Christ, he seemed like he was spiraling again. 

Evan flinched, the exact /opposite/ of what Connor wanted him t one doing, and spoke out a compulsive apology. Making sure to soften his voice, Connor said "Evan, don't apologize. You haven't done anything wrong. I'll be here for you no matter what happens." 

"O-Okay. I'm so-" He took a deep breath and winced, correcting himself by saying "Tha-Thank you, C-Connor." The vampire smiled softly, and moved to push a strand of hair behind (his?) Evan's ear, and Evan pressed his cheek into Connor's hand, almost as if on instinct. He let out a warm, happy sigh with a soft smile, and the vampire grinned with pride. 

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"Are you sure you feel okay? Let me see your arms, Hansen." He softly took Evan's arm in his, and peeked at the scratches from the previous night. It-It didn't look... It didn't look great. The skin around them was red and puffy, with deep scores and jewels of blood that haven't yet scabbed over. 

Connor tried to stifle a wince. 

"Is-'Sit that ba-bad?" The vampire shook his head frantically-"No, no no no, its not. Don't worry, Hansen, really. I'm just..." 

He trailed off at the end. "Why don't we clean those up?" 

\---

Evan clutched Connor's arm as they walked through the hall. He was still shaky on his feet, his knees felt like jello and his arms as they trudged to the bathroom. Connor sat him down on the ledge of the bathtub and dabbed at his wounds with a cotton ball doused in hydrogen peroxide. The human hissed in pain, as Connor shushed him as gently as he could. 

"I know it burns, Ev, but we can do whatever the fuck we want to as soon as it's done. I told my mom I'd be here all day, we can watch Steven Universe or order a pizza, if you wanna." Evan nodded, breath labored as Connor bandaged his arms with a clean strip of gauze. 

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"Th-Thank you, Connor. Do... Do you wanna watch cartoons? Or-Or, we don't have to, sorry, we-we-we-we can do- we can do whatever you want, s-s-s-sorry-" Connor cut him off with a well-meaning chuckle. 

"Yeah, Hansen. Really, you don't have to apologize, everything's okay." 

Evan smiled, as if something had just clicked. "Yeah, okay. Cartoons." He looked up at Connor with an expression that read 'Fuck. I am hopelessly in love with you.' 

\---

Something did click in Evan's head. It was as if a light had turned on- not to say that the light wasn't already on. He loved Connor, yes, but for the first time, he thought that Connor might, some day, love him. 

\---

Evan and Connor were both clad in mismatched pajamas when the door slammed open with a resounding /bang/. Evan jumped five feet off the couch, shrieking as he did so, and Connor growled like a wolf. 

"Hey, Evan. You didn't respond to my texts. I came to check and see if you were dead, and-" Jared gestured to a bottle of cotton candy flavored vodka-" I brought booze. Figured I'd give you, like, a viking's funeral? Like drink over your body and stuff, to commemorate you?" Jared started to walk up the stairs to Evan's bedroom, calling around, musing to himself- "Wait, fuck. That's not a Viking-is it a sailor or some shit's funeral? I dunno, its what we did when my bitch grandmother kicked the bucket." Jared poked his head in EVan's room, and was /s l i g h t l y a l a r m e d/ to find the bedsheets messed up, and Evan missing. "Treefucker? Are-Are you actually dead? Please don't be dead, I was kidding about the funeral- I mean, I do have booze, but I didn't- Evan, for real, where are-"

"Were in here, Jared! Living room!" Jared- Jared bratheed a long sigh of relief. Evan was fine. Evan was fine. What the fuck was Evan doing? 

"Evan-" He yelled as he clambered down the stairs, "Why the fuck did you have me yelling up a storm? And what of you mean we -wait, did you two just fuck?" Jared looked over at his friend, wearing mussied-up pajamas, caged in the arms of someone looked to be in a similar state. His rant froze, as he saw- is that Connor Murphy? Yeah, he saw Connor Murphy holding Evan as they cuddled and watched Gravity Falls. 

"Okay, first- bitch what. Second- bitch how. And, the third, yet equally fascinating point- bitch why didn't you invite the Insanely Cool Jared Klienman to this?" 

Evan turned bright red, Connor wordlessly held onto his waist tighter- just to ground him, nothing more. "C-Connor is- Is hanging out, umm... We-We met at the- at the park? And... I didn't... I didn't think you wanted-wanted to hang out... with me." 

The anger left Jared's face, and he took just a step towards Evan. "Ev... Evan, I thought... I thought you were... I thought /we/ were getting better." He looked guilty, and continued "Look, Ev, I know... I know I'm a complete and total asshole, but... But I still wanna hang out with you, sometimes." Evan looked like he as about to cry, so Connor cut in with a "And just what the hell are you doing here, self acclaimed "Complete and Total Asshole?" 

"Well, Conman, I told you. I brought some booze!" He walked up to the pair and placed the bottle he was clutching on the table. 

"Is..." Connor looked up in shock and slight horror. "Is that a bottle of... Kirkland Bubble Gum Vodka?" Jared snorted. 

"Cotton candy, you tasteless swine. C'mon, Hot Topic, this one's mom" He gestured to Evan "Is out until late this week, and what the fuck better do you have to do?" 

\---

Nothing, as it turns out. Evan is the one charged with the distribution of alcohol, he pours them each a tiny amount into a plastic cup, filling his own with mostly Diet Coke, and Jared's with, horrifyingly, orange juice. 

"Holy shit, Klienman, what the fuck?" Jared shrugged. "Don't knock it till ya try it." Evan chuckled at that and then downed the contents of his cup. 

"Jesus, Ev, you sure can drink." Evan shrugged. "Y-Yeah, I guess. We've been doing this since- what, seventh grade?" Connor snorted. "The fuck., Hansen? You're telling me you've been downing Costco vodka since you were 12 with this asshat?" 

Evan blushed, looking down. "Shit, y-you know, with my dad. Anything that gets you through the day, right?" The vampire smiled in a sad, reminiscent way. "Yeah, I guess." 

Jared, who was incredibly bad at showing and dealing with emotion, jested "Fuck, you guys. That was depressing." Connor scowled, Evan looked away awkwardly. "So, you to fuck?"

"Ja-J A re D!" Evan screamed, he would have snorted out his drink if he had one. "No, we-we did not-did not-Connor and I - we don't-" 

"You sure, Hansen? Conman? 'Cuz you got the slobwear, the bed head, and you're cuddling to feel-good shit. You look like you just fucked." Evan stuttered, while Connor, miraculously, stayed calm. 

"You sure /you're/ not the one who wants to fuck us? You certainly sound like you've put a lot of thought into the matter." 

Jared let out some *n e r v o u s g a y l a u g h t e r*, covering his tracks by saying "Yeah, I've known Evan here for years, now, a couple of times I've thought about taking Evan and-" 

"Jared!" He practically squeaked out, and turned bright red. "Jared, don't- don't say things-things like that!" 

He cackled. "Yeah, sure treefucker." For the first time he noticed a cast on Evan's arm. "Wait, Evan, holy fuck, the fuck did you do to yourself?" He grabbed Evan's arm too harshly, to which Evan winced. 

"Sorry. Still, what did you do?" Evan started to nervously pick at his already picked-down cuticles. 

"I-I fell. Out of.. O-O-O-O-Out of... O-O-Out of a... A tree. I... f-f-f-f-fell. Fell. Fell out... out-out of a tree. Th-Th-That's... That's what happened." Both Jared and Connor noted how much Evan seemed to dim at the mention at that. 

"Hey, Hansen, this major fucking asshole and I could, like, sign that shit or something." 

Jared smirked. "Actually, Hansen, I believe you are still in possession of that bedazzling gun I gave you as a grad present." Connor smiled a devilish grin. "I'm pretty good at using one of those things, actually. Whaddya say, Hansen? You want a glittery cast?" Connor was clearly, as it is so eloquently said 'massively shit-faced'. He chugged straight from the bottle. 

Evan sighed, and downed the rest of his vodka-n-coke. "I am far to sober for this." He downed Jared's orange-juice fuckfest, and sighed. "Okay, let's bedazzle some shit." 

\---

"Fuck you, wait, no, Jared I know what I'm doing." He was using one of those bedazzling guns that shot out rhinestones, and he may or may not have shot Evan with the gun. 

"Yeah, we definitely wanted to glam up his freakishly pale arm hair, good job Hot Topic.

Connor glared at him. "I will krill you, Klienfucker." Jared snickered.

"Krill? You- You drunk bitch said 'krill"

"No- No I fuckign didn't. Fuck you." 

\---

Evan loved his drunkenly-decorated cast that his best friend and his... Connor had lovingly-ish made him. It was pretty and it... it made his remember that... Someone cared. 

He had a reminder that there were two people in the world who cared about him, at least a little bit. 

He had Jared, who would come to him with drinks to make sure he wasn't dead. 

And Connor, who was just... wonderful. He was nice and funny, and everything about him calmed Evan down. 

"I am /far/ to drunk for this, Conman. Y'all wanna watch some conspiracy theories while contemplating the existence of God and eating cold honey baked ham?" 

\---

At the end, Evan was in Connor's arms (they weren't cuddling, and it wasn't on purpose, he just kinda slid there), and Jared was sitting on the floor. They were watching a playlist of scary videos Jared had made (Most of theme were vine compilations). Connor was softly breathing into Evan's neck with little /huffs/, and Evan was humming lightly to some melody he knew. 

"Hey, Ev?" Jared asked, almost tentatively. Maybe it was the alcohol talking, but he /needed/, just /needed/ to get this off his chest while he still had the excuse of the veil of booze. "You know I care about you, right? Like, as a friend. You know I- You know I care, right?" 

Evan nodded his head. "Y-Yeah, Jar-Jared. I-I mean, you're. You're kind of an asshole, but..." Evan could handle his drinks, and he made sure that no one drank /too much/, he wasn't really hammered. "But I know you care, Jare." Connor chuckled. 

"Hey, that rhymed." Connor had pounded, like, four vodka and cokes, so he /was/ hammered. All he really knew or cared about was that a beautiful, wonderful, loving boy whom he would do anything for was right next to him. And his slightly annoying, yet (sort-of-kinda-I-guess) friend was on the floor. 

"Hey, asshat." 

Jared glared at him with all the strength and fury he could muster. "You rang, princess?" 

Connor brushed off the anger bubbling in his throat. /not with evan not with evan/ chanted in his mind like a battle cry, so he continued to ask. "Why are you sitting on the floor?" 

Jared paled. He looked down at the floor, like a kicked puppy, or a child who had just been robbed of candy. "I always sit on the floor, Conman, the fuck are you talking about?" 

Evan furrowed his brow. "No, no you don't, Jared. C'mon, sit up here with me and Connie." 

"Connie?" Connor asked incredulously. 

"Yeah, I like that name. It's..." He paused, his drink-addled brain trying to find the proper term. "Fitting. Anyways, Jared, get up here with us. Join the cuddle pile."

The vampire's cheeks went red at that. Cuddle pile? This was-they were- what? And... well, Evan seemed to be okay with /it/, whatever /it/ may be. "Wait a second, Klienman." He prompted Evan to prop himself up on his elbows as Connor re-adjusted himself, moving so that Evan would be lying flat against his chest. Sober Connor would never do something like this, but fuck sober Connor. He's a wimp that won't admit his feelings for perhaps the most perfect boy he's ever met. 

Evan had no qualms with the arrangement, he immediately curled around Connor's waist, and rested his head over Connor's heart with a contented sigh. 

Jared was feeling left out, but hey, that's fine. It's not like he really mattered, right? No one cares about him. They shouldn't have let him come, at least that way he wouldn't feel like such a burden, and- "Hey, Klienman, you coming up here or what?" Connor spoke as if he didn't care, but something in his eyes struck a chord in Jared. Connor knew what it felt like to be alone. 

Wordlessly, Jared made his way up the couch, and sunk into the corner. He curled into himself as much as possible, trying hard not to touch either boy. It's not that he didn't want to- fuck did he want to. He wanted them to hold him, tell him he was enough, tell him he was loved and wanted and- F U C K N O J A R E D. /you don;t deserve things like that/. 

"No, fuckface, thats not what I meant." Evan looked over at him in a sleep-fueled haze. 

"Y-Yeah, Jared. Join-Join the cuddle pile." Jared looked almost ashamed, he felt unworthy, like he was intruding on some private matter between the two. But... still. It looked... nice. "You... You guys sure?" 

Evan nodded enthusiastically. "O-Okay, I guess." He carefully laid down between Evan and the back of the couch, gingerly resting his head on Evan's abdomen. His eyes were just starting to drift shut when- "Connor, did you just put your hand in my hair?" 

Connor made an indignant "Hmmph." "I wanted to pet your head."

"Oh, what, am I just some kind of dog to you-"

"Shut up and let me pet your hair, Klienman." And so he did. Jared let his eyes flutter shut as Connor stroked his fingers up and down the crown of his head. 

\---  
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Jared woke to Evan flinching awake. Connor seemed like he'd never gone to sleep, he was already there, trying to calm Evan down. "Hey, Ev, can you count with me?" Evan was breathing in a shaky manner, so Jared grasped his hands in his own, turning them palm up. 

"Hey, Evan, is touch okay right now?" Evan pondered for a moment, before nodding "yes". He started to tap patterns into them, meaningless, but they gave him something to focus on, something to ground him. Connor watched Jared's gaze travel to the same marks on his arm that Connor had noticed. The vampire saw that he was about to say something, then silenced himself. It was more important to get EVan breathing properly than to worry about that, /but/, Jared would be having a talk with him about that, and soon. Evan may not be much, but he's his only friend (Not including Connor, but that relationships still kinda on the fence), and he's too damn good to do that to himself. 

"Hey, Ev, you feeling better?" Connor noticed his breathing begin to slow and even out. 

"Y-Yeah, I just... bad, bad bad bad... bad dream, y-y-y-y-y'know?" Connor nodded with a knowing look. 

"Hey, Ev, why don't you brush your teeth and taht shit, okay?" Evan nodded his head in acknowledgement and walked up the stairs. Once Jared hear the bathroom door lock, he talked to Connor. 

"Is... Is Evan okay?" 

Connor shrugged, as if to say 'I don't know.' "He had a panic attack last night, kinda cut up his arms. I- We cleaned them, and shit, but... It was bad. I've- I know, I know bad. That was bad." Nervous or guilt was the predominant emotion as Jared tore his gaze from Connor's. 

"Did you yell, or slam a door?" Connor's ashamed look answered for him. Jared sighed "Look, Connor. He's not made of porcelain, but you... Just, if you're going to yell, warn him, or... Don't slam a door hard. He... He doesn't like that. It's... It's triggering, okay?" Connor kept the same shameful look on his face. "Connor. You... don't beat yourself up over this, okay? It's, its not your fault. Its his asshole sperm donor." Connor chuckled a bit at that.

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"Y'know, Klienman, you're not so miserable to be around. I mean, total douche, but... I don't hate your presence." Jared pretended to wipe a tear. 

"I think that's the nicest thing you've ever said to me."

\---

Jared left shortly after that- "Mom thing losers, y'know how ladies can be"- and left with a resounding "Klienman out!" That just left Evan and Connor alone, on the couch, cuddling. 

"You drunk?" Evan shrugged.

"'M not sober. 'M not plastered either. Just... buzzed." Connor snorted. "Wha? Wha'sso funny, Conman?" 

"Not you too." Connor groaned. "You're nuzzled, like a lil bee. Buzz buzz." 

And in a brilliant moment of word association, Evan shot up and yelled "I have The Bee Movie!" 

\---

The cesspool of human misery that is "The Bee Movie" sobered up Evan and Connor instantaneously, pretty much. Like, the scene where she wanted to fuck a bee? Yeah, even the strongest of alcohols can't get you through that shitshow. "Well, I am no longer drunk, and this is no longer fun. Evan, would you mind turning this off?" 

Evan, who was somehow sitting in Connor's lap, turned around to face the vampire. "I know something else we could do." He asked hopefully. Connor was about to protest, or something, bout you know what? Fuck it. Evan was grown enough to decide what to do, and Connor was hungry. 

"You sure, Hansen? I mean, I'll do it, but you have to be sure." Evan nodded his head. 

"Yeah, Connor. I'm tired and it feels nice, plus I can hear your stomach grumbling." As if to prove his point, Connor's stomach decided to imitate a whale call at that exact moment, Evan looked at him as if to say "I told you so." 

Connor smirked. "All right, all right. Point taken. Remember, tell me if you want me to stop, right, Hansen?" Evan nodded his head enthusiastically as Connor adjusted the pillows, making a small nest for Evan to lie in. "You comfy?" Evan hummed out a 'yes'. 

"Okay, remember, tell me I'd you want me to stop." This time, though, his eyes were electric blue and glowing, Evan almost smiled at the familiar sight. 

The vampire leaned into Evan's neck, the human tilted his head back to allow him a better expanse of skin. He ran the tip of his lips along Evan's jugular, before picking a spot and attaching his mouth to it. From there, he punctured the smooth flesh as gently as he could, and sighed as he tasted Evan's familiar blood. It tasted sweet and warm and safe, like he could build a home in EVan and never have to leave. That's what he wanted, right? To never leave. He only withdrew from the boy's neck when he felt his heartbeat begin to slow, holding Evan as he all but collapsed in his arms. 

"Evan, are you alright?" Evan smiled in a happy, sated way, looking up at Connor with pure love and appreciation, something Connor hadn't seen in a long time. 

"Y-Yeah, Con. I'm perfect." 

\---

Evan held his breath in preparation for the blinding pain he was about to endure as Connor leaded into his neck, but... It wasn't coming. Instead, Connor was stroking up and down Evan's neck- his neck had always been a soft spot, thats one of the reasons he enjoyed Connor feeding from him so much- then latched onto a stop right on his jugular and bit down. 

Evan could tell that he was trying to be gentle with him, but that didn't stop the jolt of pain as Connor's venom entered his blood stream. He was counting to 15, thinking about happy things- acceptance letters, music, his mom, Jared, Connor, the beautiful arts-n-crafts project he was wearing on his arm, all the good things. 

Still, it hurt like a motherfucker. Every vein was on fire, it was like someone had pumped acid through his heart. Was there something wrong? Usually, the pain had stopped by now- 

Nope. Nothing wrong, Evan thought as he went limp in Connor's arms, sighing and moaning softly as Connor held him in his arms, and Evan could swear that he felt Connor smile. He fel tborderline euphoric, like everything good in the world was right here, right now, as Connor drank his blood. Evan whined as Connor pulled away, missing his warmth, but Connor went back to lap at the blood trailing from his puncture marks. 

"Evan, are you alright?" /yes, because you're here/ he wanted to say, but couldn't. He wanted to tell Connor just how good he was, as Connor was looking down at him tenderly and playing with his hair, so he settled for the next best thing. Evan smiled up at him with the most satisfied, blessed-out look he could mutter, and said "Y-Yeah, Con. I'm perfect." 

Connor fed him some of his own blood, but Evan wasn't thinking too hard about that. No, he focused on now, how Connor was holding him tight, caressing his inner arms, like he was something precious. Something he cared about. 

Someone he was willing to bedazzle a cast for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, that was the chapter! Again, sorry it took so long. I've been busy, and also this takes a while to write? Like, I started around the bedazzling cast part at 1:06 and wrote through to now, and its just now 2:05. Anyways, I hope you like it . The next chapter will be in a couple of days :) Honestly, I don't really like this chapter. Like, I don;t think its that well written and I just don't like it in general, but I figured it's been a week and I should post something. The next chapter will be better, I promise. Also, thank you for your comments??? Like oh my god they are the best things in the world. I opened my emails a few days ago and I had like 5 or 6 comments all from different people being super nice, and I was so??? Insanely????? Happy????
> 
> So yeah, thank you guys. Happy 2018!!!! 2017 was hard for many reasons, but you know what? We're still here, we're still fighting. We're the future, right? This is far from the end. 
> 
> Okay, I've gone of long enough :p Stay safe, kiddos.


	8. If You’ll Have Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ev and Connor work some shit out............
> 
> khfkahfklhtr sorry this took soooooo long to publish- holy shit, this took like 2 weeks. It took a long time to get right, and I have a lot of stuff to do in school- I’m in Academic Decathlon, we have so much shit it’s insane. Literally, i have a speech due tomorrow, study over 800 pages of shirt, and make a fuckin resume. But enough of my bitching- the next chapter is super long, and it’ll be up in the next few days. 
> 
> No real trigger warnings or stuff for this chapter- there is a kind of self-deprecating part, and Evan is having a panic attack, but nothing too graphic except for self deprecating thoughts. Its marked with a bunch of X’s, like always. I hope u like this chapter!!!

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuucccccccccckkkkkkkkkkk Connor was massively hung over. Dear god, he felt like someone shoved his insides in a blender and put that shit on purée, then fed it to a pissed off german shepherd that got hit by a semi. 

Okay, that didn’t really make sense, but you know what? Neither did the throbbing pain in his temple or the ringing in his ears, so forgive him if he’s less eloquent than usual. He was still in Evan’s house, he figured that one out because he wasn’t being screamed at. 

Actually, though, someone was screaming. Evan, as a matter of fact, was screaming. At Jared? 

What the fuck? 

“Sup, hetero.” Jared sauntered into the room with a swagger to his walk, Evan rushed in quickly behind him. Connor attempted to glare a hole through Jared’s dick, though sadly he had yet to master telekinesis. “The fuck did you just call me, dickbag?”

“S-Sorry, Connor. He was-was here when I woke up.” Jared snorted, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose. 

“Good for him. Can the asshole shut the fuck up, please and thank you .” Connor groaned into a... balled up hoodie he was using as a pillow? What the fuck? 

Jared snorted. Connor was going to comment about how he sounded like a pig on steroids, but the ringing in his head kept him quiet. 

“Awww, Connie, rough night?” Connor glared up at him with one eye. He looked positively green, and his eyes had massive bags under them. 

“Excuse me, bitch, you look like you got steamrolled by a toxic waste truck.” He flipped off Jared, who chuckled. 

“Yeah, bitch, at least I’m trying to hide my misery.” Rolled his eyes in a self-deprecating manner, and Evan grabbed his hand and whispered something into his ear. Jared seemed to deflate at that just a bit. “Yeah, I know, Ev.” 

Then, three things happened in very rapid secession:

1.) Evan wrapped his arms around Jared’s waist, leaning on him in the way only close friends could mold to each other. 

2.) Connor heaved forwards, vomiting booze-reeking bile all over the floor and himself

3.) Jared laughed so hard, Evan slipped from his grip and fell down. Into the vomit. 

God, help these poor boys. 

/Wheeze/ “Oh, my-“ /wheeze/ “Evan, how?” Jared was gasping, he was laughing so hard, he doubled over. “How the fuck do you-?” He was straight-up cackling, and it was pissing Connor off to no end. 

“Klienman, you-you fuckin-“ He lurched forwards, spewing his guts all over the floor. Evan started to panic, picking Connor up with shaking hands. 

“C-Connor! Connor, are you, are you, are, are, are, are you alright?” Connor was trying to be brave and strong and all that shit for Evan, but, hey, what’s a vampire to do? In Connor’s case, its throw up in Evan’s lap. 

Carefully, with little-to-no help from Jared, Evan walked Connor into the bathroom. “O-Okay, C-Connor, how’re you feeling?” 

Connor snorted. “Fan-fucking-tastic, Evan, whaddya think?” Painstakingly slowly, Evan peeled off Connor’s sodden hoodie and discarded it on the floor. If he had been more lucid, he probably would have protested, what with Jared dying of laughter in the doorway, but fuck it, he’s far too miserable to deal with that. He hears a hitch in Jared’s laughter, then silence. 

“Well, h-here, just, just stay, stay here, u-um, C-Connor, I-I-I’ll, I’ll, uh, I’ll get you some water! A-And, u-um, toast? D-D-Do, do you like toast? I-I have strawberry and- um- orange, um jam! W-Well, its, it’s technically marm-marmo-marma-marmalade, b-but.” Connor smiled softly. 

“Y-Yeah, Hansen, I’d, I’d love some, with, uh, whatever jam, you like.” Evan nodded frantically with a new sense of purpose, rushing out of the room to make him a ridiculous quantity of toast. 

Which left him alone with Jared, standing in the door with an expression that was halfway smug and halfway concerned. How he pulled that look off, I don’t know, but he did. Awkwardly, he walked to where Connor was sprawled over the toilet, heaving his guts out. 

“Lookin sexy there, Hot Topic. How do I get you to sit on me like that?” Connor snorted from his throne of shame, glaring at Jared. 

“Jeez, you must be feeling like shit. That insult sucked ass, what’s wrong?” Jared rolled his eyes. 

“You ‘ain’t the only one who feels like shit, emo bitch.” Connor nodded, he knew what Jared was saying, but at the same time, Jared was an asshole. 

His stomach agreed with him, apparently, because he hurled fairly violently into the toilet as soon as he formed that thought, and Jared, surprisingly, rushed to his side. 

“Uh, fuck, I don’t really know how to do this, but, um, I think I’m supposed to hold your hair?” He awkwardly reached down to pull his hair off his neck, pulling it into a ponytail and combing back his flyaways from his sweaty, pale face. Connor was kind of shaking, and Jared didn’t really know what to do about that, so he just patted Connor on the back. 

Connor dry-heaved whatever stomach acids were in his system out, and collapsed. “H-Hey, you’re, you’re not dead, right?” Connor grunted. “I wouldn’t let you off that easy.” 

“Okay, Hot Topic. Here-“ He got up, folding a towel and wetting it with cold water. He put it on the back of Connor’s neck. He shivered, but seemed thankful of it. 

“Tell me again, a-asshole, why you’re not being a fuckwad?” 

Jared sighed. “I’m not entirely a dick, you know.” He sighed, tracing circles into his back. 

“T-Tell anyone about this, J-Jared, and I will fuck your shit up.” 

He chuckled and fixed Connor’s hair again. “Yup, I know Hot Topic.” 

—-

Connor and Evan formed a quick friendship, and Evan loved every second of it. Evan had not one but /two/ friends, and they didn’t hate each other! 

Connor and Evan hung out pretty much every day, they’d go to a park, or a movie theatre, or out for lunch. Evan lived for the days when him, Jared, and Connor all spent time together. Jared would make dumb jokes and comments (many of them were centered around Evan holding Connor’s hair over the toilet from that first morning). 

Two weeks became three, three weeks became a month, and before either of them knew it, it had been 57 days (not that Connor was counting, or anything). And it was so nice and comfortable. The silences were filled with loving glances when one boy thought the other wasn’t looking. 

One day, after school, Connor received a frantic text from Evan- it was slightly jarring, his usual messages were long, thought-out paragraphs with proper punctuation and grammar, etc. His phone pinged with a cryptic jumble of letters-

Evan <3- ca you come her ER please connor i dont know wheat s wring wuth me 

Connor flinched visibly. Cautiously, Zoe glanced at him, in an almost bashful way. “C-Connor? Are you, are you alright?” She spoke softly from her place in the kitchen. 

“Oh, uh, yeah. Uh, Evan, he’s, uh. He’s freaked out. Um.” Zoe nodded wordlessly. So much of their interactions were wordless, they spoke through nods and nervous glances, but it was better than nothing at all. 

Connor hastily texted back-

Connor <3- ill be right there

—-

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Connor flew to his house- that’s not a metaphor, he literally jumped up and flew to his house- as quickly as he could, landing in his backyard, and scaled the tree by his window. He knocked on his window, to find that it was opened. 

“U-um, Ev? Are you in there?” He heard a muffled noise from the pile of blankets on his bed, taking that as a yes. 

“Uh, Ev, can I come in? You have to, uh, invite me. In. To your house.” He heard the human take a shakey breath, followed by an almost-silent “C-Come in.”

The vampire jumped into his window, landing softly on a pallet-like mess of clothing. He heard Evan make a ragged gasp, and softly muttered out “S-Sorry, Connor.” He walked slowly to the other’s side, placing his cold fingertips over Evan’s jittering hands, in an attempt to test the waters and see if he was okay. Typically, it was fine to touch Evan’s hands when he was like this, but he made sure to use a light touch in case the touch was too much for him. 

“Hey, its okay. You don’t need to apologize, you haven’t done anything wrong. Is touch okay? I won’t be mad if its not, whatever will help you.” 

That was another thing about Connor that Evan loved- he knew how to handle his panic attacks. Over the time they had known each other, Evan had had his fair share of panic/anxiety attacks, and Connor had been nothing short of an angel. He was slow and kind, not poking fun at him, and reassuring him constantly that things were alright, that he wasn’t mad or disappointed in Evan. Most importantly, he reminded Evan that he hadn’t done anything wrong, or needed to apologize for. 

God, he loved Connor. 

He didn’t deserve Connor. God, Connor was so much more than someone like him should get. Connor was kind and sharp and deserving of something far more than Evan. 

Evan was a pathetic little nothing, a dumb, useless, sniveling little human who could barely hold himself together most days, and he barely deserved to live much less have a beautiful, kind person like Connor give two shits about him. 

God, why was Connor even here? Why didn’t Connor just abandon him, why didn’t everybody? They’d all be so much better off if they just left him behind, and actually focused on someone-

“Evan? Hey, Evan, it’s okay, I’m right here, don’t worry.” His hand had migrated up, so that he was stroking Evan’s inner arm lightly, an action he knew Evan loved. 

“B-But why? Why- why are, why are you, why do, why-why-wh-wh-wh-wh-“ Connor grabbed Evan’s wrist, squeezing it tightly enough to ground Evan, but gently enough not to harm the boy. He’d die before he hurt Evan- Whenever he fed Connor, he got something out of it, and it was always at Evan’s mention and consent. 

“You’re okay, Ev. I’m here because I want to be, because I care about you-“

“-B-B-But why? Y-You shouldn’t. You-you-you-you-you- why? C-Connor, I’m not, I-I-I dont, you, you shouldn’t-“

“Why, Evan? You’re a little messed up, but you’re not unlovable or broken. I’ll stay by your side as long as you want me here-“ 

“B-B-B-But why? You-You-You-You shouldn’t, d-don’t-“

“No, I should, Evan. You’re worth it, you deserve to be happy-“

“But-But-But I don’t! I-I’m-I’m not, I dont- I’m not- I-I-I-I— Why? W-w-w-why, Connor? Why-why-why can’t you just-Just see how much I’m, how much I’m holding you back? Why-why are you still, still here? Just-just- you should just leave, I’m not-not worth-why can’t you see how much I-“

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

“God dammit Evan, because I love you!” 

Evan’s breath hitched and paused. 

Connor bit his lip and closed his eyes.

The sounds of both their heartbeats were all that filled the ever-growing expanse of silence that violated the air. 

Evan broke it first. “Wh-Whaa? N-No, C-Con, Connor, you- you can’t. You, you shouldn’t.” 

Connor breathed deeply, feeling the cold air fill his lungs, before speaking. “But I do, Ev, I love you. I love you so much, you can’t really know. I love your stutter, and your smile.” He moved to grab his hands, clasping them tightly in his own. “I love the way your eyes light up when you smile, and how puffy and soft your hair is when you wake up in the morning. I love it when you tell me a joke, and you look down after the punchline, but your cheeks are bright red and and you’re beaming. I love how you laugh, and how you try to stifle it with your hand, but you can’t stop yourself.” Connor raised Evan’s cheek so that he was looking him in the eye, gazing into his bright blue eyes. “I know... I know I haven’t known you for that long, but Ev, I know everything about you. You hate ricotta cheese because it got you sick when you were eight. You like to fly, but you hate airports and turbulence. You cry every time you watch Titanic, but you swear you hate the movie. You listen to classical music to fall asleep, and when sleep doesn’t come, you sneak out of the house and climb the tallest tree you can find, and just watch the stars. You read as much as you can, and you have a shoebox under your bed filled with things that make you happy. Evan Hansen, I know most everything about you, and everything about you makes me want to be with you.” Evan jerked forwards to hold Connor, hugging him like he was his lifeline. 

“Evan, I love you. I’m a fucking mess, I know. I scream and hit the wall until my knuckles bleed, sometimes I feel like I’m going to shatter irreparably into a million little pieces. But, Evan, something about you, you’re my glue, you hold me together when I think I’m too far gone to be okay. I can’t... I can’t promise that we’ll be perfect, but I swear to god, Evan, I will be the best possible Connor I can be. I’ll take care of you when you feel sad, I will hold you together when you feel broken. I will sing to you until the storm raging in your mind stills. I will remind you of how valuable and loved you are every second of every day if you need me to.” 

Connor pulled back so he could look Evan in the eyes to say this. Connor’s were watery, and so were Evan’s. Evan still looked shocked that’s someone cared so much, his eyebrows were furrowed and his eyes misty.

“In short, Evan Hansen, I love you. I love you with every fiber of my being, I will love you until the end of time and beyond. And I can swear that I will be here for the rest of my life, if you’ll have me.” Connor kept his eyes locked with Evan’s wide ones. 

One second of silence passed. 

Two. 

Three. 

Breathe in. 

Evan pulled Connor close, weeping softly, and kissed Connor with everything he had. His picked-raw lips collided with Connor’s softer ones, trying to relay the love and trust he felt for the other. Connor gasped from behind his lips, but responded all the same. Connor’s kiss was gentler than Evan’s, slower, holding Evan’s face as if he was the most important thing in the world. 

“C-Connor, you... you dont know how long... How long I’ve wanted you to say that. You-you’re the-you’re my entire world, Connor. You’re my sun-and-and my moon, and- and Pluto. You-You’re my entire universe, Connor. I-I Love your nails, you paint them black, just to make your dad mad, when you’d rather paint them green or red. You blow dry your hair every time you wash it because you can’t stand to feel the wetness on your neck. You cover your phone case in stickers you stole from your sister’s room. You, you’re, you just...” He trailed off, eyes watery and shining. “You’re perfect, Connor. And, hell, I know you’re not, I’m not, /we’re/, we’re so far from perfect, but Connor? When I look at you, I think, I think just maybe, one day, everything will be okay.” He rested his forehead against the other boy’s, speaking softly now. “If you want to, if you’re /willing/ to ride out the storm with me, then Connor, I’ll love you until the end of time. I’ll follow you to the ends of the earth.” Connor smiled, just holding Evan, proud. 

He didn’t stutter. 

The joy they both felt was more like a buzzing than an uproar, a feeling of warmth and love seeping into their souls like creamer in coffee, rather than a sudden onslaught of passion. 

Connor and Evan slowly made their way to lay down on the bed, the vampire making an indignant huff when Evan fell flat on top of him. With a blush, Connor rolled to the side to rest his head right in Connor’s neck, breathing puffs of warm air into the skin. The brunette purred softly, running his hands through Evan’s hair. 

Yes. 

This was right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AAAAAKKKJHDFKHRIHUFKHFKHFD So I hope u liked that!! I hope it made sense, and all that good stuff. Again, sorry it took so long, I wanted to make it good. Also, its kinda hard to identify with and write stuff that’s a like, dudes being in love??? Idk, the next chapter is some good ol’ galaxy gals, which I’ve been wanting to write my girls in love for literally ever- I actually have a couple of fluffy galaxy gals i’m waiting to post- so its like 5,000 words, about??? Idk, I hope you like my Dudes™ finally being in love. 
> 
> Just another reminder that you’re worthwhile and deserving of love- If you feel like this, please talk to someone. Talk to a friend, or a school counselor, or a hotline or some sort. I’ve used the Crisis Hotline, idk if it works outside of the US, but test HOME to 741741 and there are real people who will talk to you. 
> 
> Anyways, I hope you liked that fluffy little happy romance scene, new chapter coming soon! 
> 
> Stay safe, kiddos <3


	9. The Galz™ Make an Entrance (Pt 1/2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay, today (or whatever say you happen to be reading this) we really meet Alana and Zoe, so yay! 
> 
> The girls meet and are hopelessly gay, which is so much easier for me to write, being hopelessly gay myself. No trigger warnings for this chapter, there is some blood in this chapter, but its the result of an accident, it’ll be pretty apparent when that part is if u want to skip it. 
> 
> Hope u like it my dudes :p

The library was Alana's happy place of sorts. It was quiet and tranquil, filled with people agreeing not to break the silent atmosphere within those walls. For the senior, it meant one, quiet place on campus where she didn't have to be perfect. 

It helps that she's really the only person to ever step foot in the building. 

Every now and then, a loner or someone else who doesn't feel like dealing with other human beings, and doesn't feel like hiding in the bathroom, will wander in, but those types of people typically stay to themselves, scarcely making eye contact with her. 

Sometimes, Connor, a classmate she recognizes would walk in to the library and hide in the fiction isle (Alana typically stays glued to the autobiographical section herself) and reads some of the school's dust-covered fantasy stories, but he never tries to talk with her. 

She's okay with that for the most part. Okay with Connor and that weird kid in the polos ignoring her, okay with pretty much everyone ignoring her, because people are a distraction, she need to focus. 

Yeah. Alana was happy being ignored (no she wasn't). She got it. Why would someone want to hang out with the weird nerd kid? (Why does everyone hate her?) She doesn't have time for friends (god, she wants a friend). 

Alana secretly hates school vacations. I mean, she likes not having to wake up early to go to school, and she likes not having to worry about the social aspect of it all, but... damn. 

She has to stay at home with... well meaning (yeah, I guess that word works okay) parents. They... they tried, they didn't /want/ to give their daughter panic attacks or major depressive episodes, but they didn't really get... well, anything. And her mom kept expectantly asking her about having friends over, and Alana kept having to pretend she had friends. 

And, of course, there was no school library. 

There are other libraries, like the one across from the supermarket, and the one next to the flower shop. That one was her favorite, she could go to 'In Bloom' and buy a single orchid for herself (orchids were her favorites, followed by morning glories and roses) to wear in her hair, then spend the day surrounded by stories of people far better than herself. Sometimes, afterwards, she'd walk a block down to the coffee shop, and get herself a caramel coffee. It was a parent-approved way to get out of the house, while staying alone and not bothering anyone else. 

Today was one such day, Alana was wearing a button-up plaid shirt and leggings, she just /had to get out/ of her house. Her mother's judgmental gaze, she was just terrified she'd make one wrong move and her mom would snap. And her father was hiding in his room, typing away at his computer, ignoring everyone else in the house. The walls were closing in on her, and she just had to G E T O U T. 

So, of course, she strolled down the street, and popped into the shop. 

It smelled bright and happy, like a sweet perfume from a fancy store that was far too expensive. She loved the faded posters advertising different floral arrangements, and the pre-made displays of fresh flowers that were bursting with life and color. She was wandering around the back wall, which was dedicated solely to succulents-little cacti with fiery red and bright pink tops, tiny flower-like succulents surrounded by pebbles and moss- when she heard something fall behind her. 

Alana turned around to see two people behind her- Connor, a senior she had seen in the library before with his hands in his pockets, looking exasperated, and a girl on her hands and knees cleaning shards of broken pottery. 

"Oh, my- let me help you with that." Alana quickly fell to the ground, collecting the broken pieces into a pile. 

"Oh- uh- no, no you don't have to- Zoe! My- uhh- thats my name! Zoe! I knocked over a- ow." She hissed and retreated her hand, stopping mid-freak-out showing a cut on her hand. 

Alana was chuckling as this girl-Zoe- kept rambling on about her name. It was cute. /She/ was cute holy shit. Zoe had long-ish brown hair and bright eyes, the kind that sparkled when she laughed. Alana was thinking about how that laugh might sound-probably light and melodic, like a twinkling light. Or, maybe, it would be deep and hearty, she'd laugh loudly and hard and clap her hands. Either way, Alana would imprint that sound into her mind like a tape recorder. She was wearing pretty, flowing clothes, that were far better suited for a summer day like this one. Alana was thinking about how soft her hair might be when she heard her wince, and watched an orb of crimson appear. 

"Oh, oh my god, Zoe, you're- you're bleeding! Here-" She pulled a first-aid kit out of her purse- "Here, let me see that. I'm first-aid certified, I went through a course as a summer camp counselor last year. Here-" Alana took her palm and gently dabbed the blood away with a cotton ball. She winced in pain, looking up to brush some hair out of her eyes. 

"This is... awkward." Alana flashed what she hoped was a reassuring smile, and pressed an alcohol pad to the wound. 

"No, not at all. I'm Alana, I'm a senior at Westmont High. Here, almost done." She bandaged the cut (it wasn't too big, just bled a lot) and patted Zoe on the shoulder. 

"Oh-uh. Thanks! I'm Zoe. I'm a junior. I-um. Flowers! I like them. That's why- thats why I'm here." Alana chuckled at that. "I-um. Do you want to... My phone number?” Again, Alana smiled. 

“Yeah, sure. Here, give me your phone.” Dumbly, she handed the pretty girl her phone. Alana inputted her number, and texted herself a purple heart emoji. 

“I’m heading to the library, do you wanna come?” For the first time, the smile on her face faltered. 

“Uh- crap. I can’t I have band practice. Um. But maybe tomorrow?” She asked hopefully. 

“Okay, then. Tomorrow, I’ll meet you at the coffee shop down the block, noon?” Zoe smiled. 

“Yeah, sounds good! See you then, Zoe!” Alana briskly walked out of the flower shop, completely forgetting to purchase the flower she set in for. 

And as soon as she was out of earshot, she cheered out loud. 

Like a crazy person. 

—-

Connor was trying really hard. Zoe could see that. She could see her brother biting his tongue at dinner for once, letting Larry berate him without a peep. Or he would be careful to smoke outside the house, and wash his clothes somewhere else. When he came home at midnight or later, he’d crawl through the window quietly, instead of slamming the door. 

He even got her a new pair of earbuds. 

She was listening to her dumb indie music when her earbuds died. “God-Are you kidding me?” Connor was walking by just as that was happening. 

“Z-Zoe?” He softly knocked on her door, opening it only when ‘Come in’ was yelled. Just that surprised her, for once, she felt like she was close to having a brother. 

“I-Is everything alright?” He asked as softly as he could, and Zoe appreciated that. 

“Yeah, Connor. My earbuds just died.” He nodded, walking away. Zoe wanted to call after him, and say something. Maybe ask him to watch a movie, or listen to a movie. If she was feeling really brave, she’d ask to paint his nails, or braid his hair. 

But, hey, one day at a time. 

The next day, there was a pair of purple earbuds outside her door with a post-it note on it that said “From- Asshole” on it. 

Oh- and just the other day, she had a small conversation with him-

“Hey”

“Hey”

“Your nails look nice, Connor.” 

“Oh, uh. Thanks, Zoe.”

“Do you have anymore of that black?” 

“Uh, yeah. Here, lemmie get it for you.” And he ran up to his room, returning with a small bottle of black nail polish that looked like it was from the dollar store. 

He didn’t want to walk up to her, that Zoe could tell. She appreciated that, if it made her sad. Her brother- he own brother- was too scared to walk up to her. It was probably the other way, she rationalized, /he/ thought /she/ was afraid of him. He placed it gingerly on the table, and slid it across the wood. “Thanks, Connor.” He nodded.

“No problem, Zoe.” 

—-

It was a few weeks after Zoe started noticing these changes in her brother that she first met Evan. She recognized him from school, an anxious kid who wore polo shirts and cried at school one time. It was midnight, about, and she heard someone creek in from her brother’s door. Her parents were out, and she figured it was a drug dealer. Or, maybe a prostitute. Either way, there was someone else in her house. 

Why? Connor was... Connor was getting better. She finally felt like she was safe inside her own home, sometimes, and... and she was disappointed. 

Quietly, like a mouse, she crept down the hallways to see who was with her brother. 

She /wasn’t/ expecting to see Evan Hansen with her brother. 

She hardly recognized the boy, he was looking happy and relaxed, and he looped his arms around Connor’s neck and leaned into him. 

Zoe /absolutely/ d i d n o t squeal when he saw Evan kiss Connor’s neck, and sat next to him on the couch. Her eyes certainly didn’t light up when he saw Evan rest his head on Connor’s chest. She watched in shock and joy as her brother and this boy curl up on the couch and watch Netflix. Zoe watched as Connor played with his hair, kissed his cheeks, ran his hands under his shirt- Okay, nope, at that point Zoe stopped watching and climbed back into her bed. 

She waited a few hours (sleep is for the week and the caffeine-challenged) until dawn broke, when she heard shuffling downstairs again. She crept back down to the end of the stairs, and watched Evan and Connor hug before walking Evan home. 

Zoe felt like she had learned something... deep about her brother. He had a boyfriend! He had someone who cuddled with him, someone who probably helped him make some progress. 

Yeah, thinking back on it, they probably got to know each other and started dating in the last few weeks, and thats when Connor started doing better. It was probably Evan. 

Zoe, for once, knew something intimate and personal about her brother. She felt like she was closer with him, but, she had to be smart about how she went about this. 

Zoe loved her brother, but it was obvious he had problems. There were dents in her wall, his wall, and the bathroom’s wall that proved that. But, Zoe remembered her brother. She remembered the young Connor, who was happy and told jokes with her. She remembered the boy who painted her nails indigo when Larry /forbade/ her from painting them, then painted his own to match. 

She missed her Connor. 

—-

Zoe spent the night contemplating what to do. So far, she had narrowed it down to three options: 

1.) Ask leading questions to get Connor to admit whats going on with Evan.   
Pros-   
-Connor wouldn’t know she had snooped on him and Evan  
Cons-   
-Connor would get pissed at her for asking so many questions   
-Connor would yell at her 

2.) Do nothing  
Pros-   
-Connor would have no extra cause to be pissed at her   
Cons-  
-Nothing would change  
-Things could get worse  
-She wouldn’t have something to connect with him 

3.) Straight-up tell Connor she knows what’s going on   
Pros-   
-Connor and her could bond over Evan  
-She wouldn’t be sneaking around and lying to Connor, which Zoe hates doing   
-Things could turn out really well, and this could be a whole bonding thing for them!  
Cons-   
-What the fuck was Zoe thinking?   
-Connor would get pissed again and yell at her   
-If Connor felt threatened, that would fuck everything up 

So, yeah. That’s not going to well. 

The next day, Zoe had made up her mind. She’d go for a combination of 1 and 3, start the conversation off simple while her brother was in a decent-enough mindset, be open and nice in the conversation, show him that he could trust his little sister. 

Yeah, okay, that could work. 

When the sun began to rise the next day, Zoe was already up and ready for the day. As aforementioned, the girl doesn’t sleep very much. 

Zoe walked down the stairs softly at 7:24, she wanted to sit down and eat some breakfast before talking with her brother. She was really hoping that her fucked-up family could just have one, civil meal, then talk with him, but /noooooooooo/, our creator has a sick, twisted sense of humor, or maybe just doesn’t care, because she can hear her father yelling from halfway down the stairs. 

“God dammit, Cynthia, I don’t see why we baby him so much! He is just as capable as the rest of-“

“We’re not babying him, Larry! He needs someone who is willing to make sure he’s not-“

“He is practically an adult! He will be able to vote in 3 months, he should be able to do his own laundry!”

“I offered! He is... he is trying, Larry- don’t-“ 

“Hi.” Zoe spoke softly when she walked in. Three heads turned to face her standing awkwardly in the door:

Larry- Angry, red-faced, fuming at Cynthia   
Cynthia- Desperate, begging Larry  
Connor- Barely holding in rage, biting his tongue with his hands in tight fists

Zoe had walked into a fight- it wasn’t a knock down drag out like she had seen before, but it certainly wasn’t good. Immediately, she was pissed at Larry. 

He was nitpicking Connor over something dumb! Couldn’t he see how much her brother was trying? Did he even care? 

“What-What were you guys talking about?” She rocked back and forth on her feet, trying to do something to fill the empty space other than tension. 

“/Connor/“ That single word was spoken with so much contempt and rage that Connor flinched, and Zoe felt pissed off. She felt rage at herself, her father, her brother, her mom, everyone in this room. 

Connor was an asshole with substance abuse problems and a terrifying temper. But he was trying! Jesus Christ, she can see how much he’s trying to better, even just a little bit better, and Larry is a dick to him? It’s like he doesn’t even want his son to be happy. Connor may be an ass, but he certainly doesn’t deserve Larry spitting out his name like venom for making a small mistake. 

“/Connor/ had his mother doing his laundry again, even though he is perfectly capable of putting his own dirty clothes in the washing machine and turning it on, or is he too stupid?” 

Zoe could see his rage, just bubbling under the surface, and she kept wondering /Why isn’t he screaming?/ Why isn’t Connor yelling at Larry, he certainly showed no qualms about it before. 

“Do you do your own laundry?” That was the only thing she had heard Connor say all morning, it was spoken evenly and low, like the growl of a wolf. 

“What the hell did you just say to me?” Larry’s palms were flat on the table, and he was gripping it in fury as he berated his son. 

Zoe spoke up, seeing that Connor was about to snap. “No, dad, that was a perfectly legitimate question. DO you do your own laundry?” Larry looked dumbfounded as she continued. “Because unless you do, you have no reason to belittle Connor.” She inhaled deeply. “Mom, is it any trouble to do Connor’s laundry?” Cynthia smiled sadly. “No, not at all dear. Really, I don’t mind at all, honey.” She placed her hand over Connor’s and smiled. 

“Great, I think this matter is solved. If there are no objections, I’m going to talk with /my brother/.” With that, she grabbed his arm, and led a dumbfounded Connor up the stairs to her room. 

—-

Sitting there almost in awe, neither sibling spoke. Zoe sat on her bed, as Connor stood awkwardly in the doorway, still processing what had happened two minutes ago. 

“You can-um-you can come in. My room. If you want to, I mean. You-You don’t have to if you don’t want to, but. You can.” He nodded his head quickly, then walked stiffly and sat down on a beanbag, as far away from Zoe as she could. 

The two siblings sat in continued silence until they heard the front door slam shut, and Larry’s car drive away. Moments later, Cynthia walked in. “Zoe, um-oh! Connor, you’re in here too! Great! That’s, thats just lovely! Anyways, your father just went off to work, and I have a breakfast with Claire from the gym at eight, so I’m going to head out. You two have fun today, okay?” Zoe nodded, Connor hummed in affirmation. “I just, its just so nice to see you two hanging out together again.” She spoke to herself as she walked away. 

“S-So, Connor-“ 

“Thank you.” He cut her off quietly. 

“Oh-Oh yeah, no problem. Larry was being a dick, and he shouldn’t have-“ He cut her off again. 

“No, I mean thank you. For everything. For not giving up on me again.” He sighed, and kicked lightly at the bean bag.” 

“I-I never. I never gave up, on you, Connor. Even after everything last year, and every year before, I... I never gave up on you.” She took a deep breath, waiting for him to say something. 

“O-Oh.” Connor looked up at her. 

Well, this was about as good a time as ever. Just lead it in, subtlety, let Connor know she wasn’t trying to make fun of him or anything. 

Okay, Zoe. Here goes. “I know about you and Evan.” FUCK FUCK SHIT NO NOT SUBTLE AT ALL FUCK SHIT 

Connor visibly paled. “What?” 

“I-I- umm-umm, no, thats not- look, wha-what I meant to-“ 

“You can’t tell dad-“ “Huh? I-I- um- I wasn’t” “Please, Zoe, you can’t-don’t-“ “Connor!” She almost shouted. “I’m- I’m not- I wouldn’t-“ She took a deep breath, to calm herself, and looked at her brother. She had only seen him this scared once- and it terrified her. “I’m not going to tell mom and dad. I- I wouldn’t do that to you, Connor. You’re... You’re my brother, Connor. I may- I may be a bitch to you, sometimes, but I-I wouldn’t.” 

Connor looked taken aback. “O-Oh. Y-Yeah, thats.” He brushed his hair behind his ear. “That’s cool. Umm. T-Thanks, Zoe.” She smiled, uneasily, and nodded her head. “S-So, umm, how-“ 

“I saw you. Two nights ago. It’s okay- it was cute!” 

“So you, um, spied on us?” He was looking angry, and shit, Zoe couldn’t have that, so she quickly stuttered out “No! N-N-N-No! I heard something, and I, and I thought it was a burglar, or something, so I went down, and you guys were-“ 

“Oh.” “Yeah.” “I’m, I’m sorry I didn’t, I assumed, um.” Zoe nervously pushed some hair behind her ear. 

“It’s-It’s okay. Umm. I-um. I was just... How are things? With, with Evan?” Connor, for the first time, seemed to relax. 

“Yeah, he’s- he’s great. He’s really great. He, he has this smile? When he looks at you, it seems like everything’s okay. And, when he laughs, I just. I see stars, its amazing.” He was looking off in the distance, eyes glowing with love.

“He sounds, he sounds nice,” Connor looked up, shaking his head, and brushed his hands through his hair. “S-Sorry for rambling.” He stuttered out, quickly shaking his head, sitting up straight on the bean bag. 

“No! N-No, its fine. You, you looked happy.” Connor blushed. 

“Oh.” 

There was another silence, this one was slightly less tense than the one before it. Zoe broke it. 

“So, um, does Evan like flowers?” 

“What? What, is it because he’s gay?” Again, Connor seemed to be set off, so she quickly said “No! No, no, of course not! I-I just thought, I was, um, I was going to the flower shop, y’know, the one on fifth street? I wanted to get some roses for my room, and the one on first street is nasty, and like I dont wasn’t to order it online because thats shady, and- never mind, its not important. But, anyways, I’m going to buy flowers, and I figured, hey, flowers are nice to get for people you like, so, um. I... invited you. This is me, inviting you. To buy flowers. WIth me. And, umm. We could get lunch, after? Together? If you wanted?” She sounded hopeful-she could hear how desperate she sounded, but /hell/, she really wanted her brother back. 

“Umm, yeah, sure. I-I guess.” Zoe didn’t hug Connor, but she wanted to. 

Baby steps. 

—-

Zoe drove the little green Prius to the flower shop, parking it and stayed sitting in the parking lot. 

“So...” She trailed off. “What type of flowers does Evan like?” Connor swallowed, smoothing his hair and jacket. 

“Peonies. Um, he likes peonies.” He coughed. “So, we, we going in, or what?” Zoe smiled, and opened the car door. 

“Yeah, lets go.”

—-

Once inside the store, Zoe’s eyes lit up. “Connor, look! They have blue and purple flowers! It’s like a galaxy daisy!” She looked so happy, here voice was bright, so Connor chuckled, “Yeah, I guess. That’s cool, Zoe.” She straightened out. 

“Yeah, hum, I guess. Sorry.” He smiled softly. “No, no its okay.” He picked up one of the dyed daisies, eyeing it and looking at the velvety petals. “It’s pretty.” 

She walked away slowly, admiring the flowers, and picked up a terra cotta pot. “Hey, Connor, I was thinking about getting Mom a houseplant or something. Do you like this one?” Zoe turned around to face Connor, and dropped the pot. 

“Oh my god.” Connor ran from where he was standing by a bouquet of peonies, and rushed to where she was standing, stuttering out- “What, what is it? Are you okay? Are you hurt?” She turned around. 

“Oh. My. God, Connor! Look at that girl!” Zoe was staring at a girl, she looked to be about her age, maybe a little older, and to Zoe, she was the prettiest girl in the world. She had dark skin, and pretty hair and a pair of glasses. Zoe always thought glasses on herself looked weird, but on this girl? Holy shit, she looked beautiful. 

Connor sighed, crossing his arms. “Keep it in your pants, Zoe.” Immediately, Zoe dropped to the ground, frantically trying to pick up the broken pieces of pottery from the pot. She looked up just as the girl -Holy fucking shit was she hot- turned around, her eyes wide and concerned. Smiling gently, she rushed to Zoe’s side. 

"Oh, my- let me help you with that." This beautiful goddess of a woman had dropped down, and was helping her out with the mess she had made. 

10 billion Klaxon alarms started going off in Zoe’s brain- Like that scene from Inside Out, but it went “GIRL GIRL GIRL GIRL GIRL” instead of “BOY BOY BOY”. This girl was beautiful, and compassionate. She was helping Zoe out, and she didn’t even know her name- "Oh- uh- no, no you don't have to- Zoe! My- uhh- thats my name! Zoe! I knocked over a- ow." Zoe ran the palm of her hand over a jagged shard of terra cotta, and felt it slice open the flesh. 

She was trying to keep it quiet, but Alana took notice. "Oh, oh my god, Zoe, you're- you're bleeding! Here-" Somehow, a first aid kit materialized, (Zoe was too focused on how pretty and close Alana was) "Here, let me see that. I'm first-aid certified, I went through a course as a summer camp counselor last year. Here-" Holy shit, Alana is impressive. She was good with kids, so she must be patient and logical. Zoe had been a camp counselor a few years ago, she was calm enough for th job, but was severely lacking in stamina. 

Zoe felt shame blossoming in her chest, and she was almost positive her face was red. "This is... awkward." The girl, in her seemingly infinite capacity for being a beacon of compassion, was quick to argue-

"No, not at all. I'm Alana, I'm a senior at Westmont High. Here, almost done." /That’s my high school!/ Zoe quickly threw together a few ideas- First off, her name. Alana should probably know that. Second, that she was also in high school. And third, why she was patronizing this fine establishment. 

"Oh-uh. Thanks! I'm Zoe. I'm a junior. I-um. Flowers! I like them. That's why- thats why I'm here." A little less eloquent than she was hoping, but at least Alana was smiling. 

"I-um. Do you want to... My phone number?” She was hoping Alana would agree. Alana smiled for the umpteenth time, looking like she was hopeful. 

“Yeah, sure. Here, give me your phone.” Still in a state of shock, that /holy shit this gorgeous woman was giving her her number, she was touching a possession of hers- HOLY SHIT she touched her hand!!!!! She bandaged her hand!!!!!! She had heard Zoe’s hand in hers, and- 

“I’m heading to the library, do you wanna come?” ERROR. ZOE EXE. NOT RESPONDING. 

Zoe couldn’t go! What would she say? What would she do? What would happen with Connor- Where did Connor go? This does not work, she needs to P R E P A R E for this, so she stuttered before excusing herself with “Uh- crap. I can’t I have band practice. Um. But maybe tomorrow?” Yeah, tomorrow. Zoe could totally be ready by tomorrow. 

“Okay, then. Tomorrow, I’ll meet you at the coffee shop down the block, noon?” Alana beamed at her, and it took all she had not to melt into a pile of goop right there. 

“Yeah, sounds good! See you then, Zoe!” Alana sashayed away, and Zoe was left standing there, bandaged hand cradled, on the floor of a flower shop, trying to process /what the ever living fuck just happened/. 

 

—-

Alana was INSANELY HAPPY HOLY SHIT. 

This is the kind of thing that never happens to a nerdy little nobody like Alana, she doesn’t get a coffee date with the prettiest girl in the world! This girl-Zoe, holy fuck, she was gorgeous. She had this long, cascading chocolate hair, and a big, warm smile, and her eyes? Holy shit, she could write entire poems about her eyes-no, not just a poem, an epic, all about the way her eyes twinkled and sparkled. 

Zoe is just so much, so much more beautiful and sweet than Alana had ever expected to hang out with. She was kind, she looked intelligent, and she seemed to like Alana. 

They were going on a date! No, not a date. Was it a date? It was like maybe a date. Maybe date? Like, not exactly a date, but they were hanging out, together, alone. 

With a girl she liked. A girl who seemed to like her! 

Zoe liked Alana! Holy shit! She liked Alana! They were getting coffee! Tomorrow!

They were getting coffee. Tomorrow. 

Shit. 

Oh fuck, How are you supposed to go on a not exactly date with the prettiest girl in the entire universe? 

She walked straight into the library completely elated. The nice old lady (Julie, she and her husband were both retired, and Julie volunteered at the library four days a week- it gave her something to do, something to work for) working the front desk waved to her politely, and Alana smiled back at her. She sunk down in a corner in the back, reading a paperback copy of Animal Farm (It was actually her own book, she read it enough that the cover was worn with her fingerprints and a few of the pages were frayed, but she loved it all the same). Julie walked up to her. 

“You’re looking happy, dear.” Alana nodded, smiling. She whispered back “Yeah, I met someone. 

“And does this /someone/ make you happy?” Alana smiled softly, feeling something akin to hope for the first time in a long time. 

“Yeah. Yeah, they do.” 

—-

“What the fuck just happened?” Connor was looking down at his sister, who was melted on the floor. He was holding a plastic bag with a bouquet of peonies peeping out from the top, with his arms crossed. 

Zoe was quick to deflate. “O-Oh, uh, nothing. Just, s-“ 

“No! No, n-no, thats, thats not what I, I didn’t mean, thats not what- What I meant was, what just happened?” Zoe stood up a bit higher, smiling now. 

“Oh, um, well, I thought she was king of, y’know, cute. And, well-“

“That was the gayest thing I’ve ever seen.” Connor seemed more comfortable now, he was almost joking around, and in turn, Zoe perked up a bit, too. 

“Y-Yeah, I guess it is. Where did you go?” He visibly paled. 

“O-Oh, just, y’know. Didn’t want to to intrude on your... your interaction.” She nodded. 

“Why, why did you lie about band practice?”

She looked him in the eye. “Because you’re my brother, and I’m spending a day with you. As- As long as that’s okay, sorry, I-I didn’t mean to-“

“No, no thats. Oh. That’s, thats... thank you, Zoe.” 

“Yeah, yeah. No, no problem. Do, do you still want coffee?” 

“Yeah.” 

The two of them went to coffee uneventfully, Connor ordered a vanilla latte, Zoe ordered a caramel frappuccino with extra caramel syrup and a shot of espresso. “How can you drink that without your heart exploding?” Connor asked her quietly, reserved, and she shrugged. 

“I’ve had a sick caffeine addiction since freshman year, I’d be more scared of what would happen if I didn’t have this.” Connor nodded, ashamed that he didn’t know that about his sister. 

The two didn’t talk much after that. They drove home in relative silence, one of Zoe’s playlists filling the air. 

“Hey, Connor?” Zoe pierced the silence. “T-Thanks for coming today.” 

“T-Thanks for inviting me. I- I know, I know I’ve fucked up, and I know I don’t deserve-“ Zoe was quick to cut him off. 

“Don’t don’t talk like that. I- You’ve done some shit, and it’ll take a while for things to be- well, different. But, but I still- I really care about you, Connor. I don’t want you to think I hate you, okay? I- I still. I love you, Connor, okay? You’re, you’re my brother, and I don’t want you to be hurt, so just.” She sighed. “Okay?” 

He nodded nervously, swallowing and looking away. “ Okay. This, this is better, though?” 

She shook her head, trying to convey that /she saw/, /she knew/. “Better. Much, much better.” 

—-

The two spent the rest of the day not arguing, Cynthia noticed and was ecstatic. She didn’t say anything, but the morale at dinner was far better, even Larry complaining about everything couldn’t bring it down too much. 

Connor had someone to lean on, it felt. 

Zoe was the tiniest, most infinitesimal step closer to having her brother back. 

Cynthia’s children didn’t hate each other. 

That night, when Zoe walked into her room, a small, potted plant, blue and purple colored, was on her desk. 

She gasped, rushing to the flowers, the same ones she told Connor she liked. 

He noticed. 

He did care about her. 

Resting next to it was a note, folded and scrawled in messy handwriting, that read “From- Asshole”. 

Holding the plant, Zoe smiled softly, feeling something akin to hope for the first time in a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was planning on this being chapter 8 in all honestly, but then I wanted Evan and Connor to be dating by now, so we have this as chapter 9. Chapter 10 will again be the Galz, and chapter 11 will MOST LIKELY be some happy fluffy lovey-doves shit. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this, I wanted to just write some happy, lesbian fluff and inconsolable gayness, plus Connor and Zoe being on the Road to Recovery™. I wanted them to be happy, and I’m trying to keep it realistic. 
> 
> This is posted right now/ is so long (5,300 words, thats more than twice my usual length, AAAAAAAAA) as kind of an apology for the long wait between my last 2, and I wanted to publish some nice, long happiness. 
> 
> Stay safe, my dudes. Y’all are pretty snazzy.

**Author's Note:**

> Ok, for clarification, Ev is NOT dead. I wouldn't do that to you. He's also not a vampire, Con just kinda ate, but it's all good. New chapter by next Friday, probably, unless school and various mental problems start to REALLY KICK MY ASS (seasonal depression is DOING THINGS but I'm doin my diddly-darned best). Hope ya liked it y'all :)


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